Gigi: Hello everyone. Welcome to a very exciting episode. This one is on finding love, and Makena, I know you’ve experienced this. What was it, eight years ago or something? 

Makena: Almost nine.

Gigi: Oh my gosh, can you believe that? I guess that must mean I’m getting younger and younger, right?

Makena: Absolutely.

Gigi: So you came to me because you were curious about finding love. You said, “I’m really ready. I really want to find my life partner.” 

We went through a process together, which you eventually turned into a great exercise, as you do with most things I share with you. 

That’s something we can really share with everyone so they can take away from what we’re doing today and really apply it, right?

Makena: Absolutely. Yeah, I tell the story all the time because I love love, and I wish that everyone could be with someone they adore, who adores them back. I hope they experience what it’s like to have a relationship that’s like a battery pack for the rest of their life.

I was 27 years old and had just gotten out of a two-and-a-half-year relationship. I had done my healing, and I remember having this moment where I thought, “I think I’m done with dating.” I don’t know if any of you have had that moment, like, “I think I’m good. I’ve had my experiences.” But I would love to find a great, long-term partner, a life partner. 

So, I went to you, and like you said, you guided me through this process. I followed it to a T, and within six months, Sunny walked into my life. It’s been nine years now, in January. I love sharing this process with people. Yay!

Gigi: And you are so right. You are such a great student. I share this process with a lot of people, and you just went with it and did it. And within six months, which is amazing.

Makena: Absolutely. And I’ve shared this with other people. I’ve had people reach out to me and say, “I did your process, and I called in my partner, and we’re getting married.” I’ve had multiple people tell me this. 

So, just to share that link right away with you guys, if you want to try this process, it’s www.wayofthemuse.com/soulmate. 

We won’t go into the whole process today, but we are going to talk about what gets in the way. 

The guide walks you through how to get really clear on what you want, maybe with a different approach than you’ve taken before. It also has a fun part that involves dancing. 

I remember very clearly, Gigi, we would dance around your apartment in Amsterdam as I was calling in my person. 

At our wedding, it was such a fun, full-circle moment. We danced to the song that I used to call him in. 

So all of that is in the guide, but today, we want to talk about what gets in the way of calling in love.

Gigi: First, do you want to share the song?

Makena: It was “Cheerleader” by Omi. That was really big nine or ten years ago.

Gigi: Yeah, we had so much fun dancing around your apartment in Amsterdam with windows everywhere, right?

Makena: Yeah, I imagined it was my partner singing to me, that I was his cheerleader. That was a really fun part of the process. 

First, we want to share a little disclaimer. 

As we’ve mentioned before on the podcast, we are going to speak mostly to women because that’s our primary audience, specifically women in relationships with men, as that’s the majority of our audience.

That being said, what we share can be applied to same-sex relationships as well. You might be a man listening and calling in your woman or man, and it doesn’t matter the dynamics. Even though we’ll speak in terms of binary terms—men and women—you can always substitute the words “masculine” and “feminine” in your mind.

In same-sex partnerships or when calling one in, there’s usually a predominant masculine and feminine energy in the relationship, which creates polarity. 

So, just keep that in mind as we share today. Now, let’s get into it.

What are some of the things that stop or slow down the process of calling in love?

Gigi: Yeah, and let me just share that this was my work for many years. I developed workshops in the ’80s and ’90s and taught them around the world. My topic was relationships, and part of that was assisting women and men to find partners. I did this through coaching one phone. 

Once, in London, a woman reached out to me, and after I coached her, she found her partner. She then started telling all her friends. For about a year, I was coaching all these women in London to find their men. 

And what I’m going to share about the things that get in the way are some of the things that I saw as I was working with these women or men. 

The thing that you had, Makena, that was great is you had me by your side all the time.  So we got to walk through a lot of this.

In the guide that you’re getting, it’s part of it, but really, much deeper work happened.

One of the main things I see is not prioritizing this because it feels like a lot of work. If you have a career or you have children, what happens is we get so busy, and then finding a partner is last – on the back burner somewhere. 

And the other point of that is you really have to set up your life for it.

You’ve got to make the space. 

When you came to me, you were really ready to make the space and to create that time and space for it. It takes some effort – some intentional goal-setting there. 

And I think that’s really what you did, right?

Makena: Yeah, absolutely. Time and space to do things like go through a process like this. 

So, really educate yourself or walk through some of the things we’re talking about today—on your own or with support—because that’s so important. It seems like a lot of time, but if you think about it, if you’re truly calling in a life partner (which many of you listening probably are), it’s been nine years now, and hopefully, it’ll be a lifetime with Sunny.

Was that time and energy I put in during those months worth it? A hundred percent. Right? 

But in the moment, it can feel like, “Oh my gosh, I’m busy. I have my career, I have… whatever else going on. Do I really want to prioritize this?”

Being honest with yourself about that is really important, too. If you’re not going to prioritize it, it doesn’t mean it couldn’t show up, but be honest, if it’s not a priority, you’re willing to put time and energy into it right now—and be okay with that. Or decide that you are.

Gigi: That’s a good point because I see women beating themselves up over this, saying, “I want a partner, but I just can’t find the time, or I can’t find one.” 

Be honest about whether you’re really willing to do this—and if not right now, that’s okay. Don’t pretend like you are when you aren’t.

Makena: Yeah. Another thing I touched on there is getting clear about what kind of relationship you’re calling in. Do you want to just date and have fun? That’s important, too. Or are you really looking for a long-term partnership?

And if you are, what kind of partnership do you want? Marriage? Kids? Some of these things are important to be super clear on because, like you always share, Gigi, about creating in the world, in the universe, it’s like the ATM example. 

Do you want to give that example?

Gigi: Yeah. If you go up to an ATM and say, “I want some money,” how much money will you get? Probably nothing, right? 

But if you go up and type in 100, you get that 100. 

Like you’re saying, get specific and know what you want.

Often, people go for a fantasy instead of the experience they really want. They go for what they think they want instead of pursuing the ultimate experience of what they’re truly seeking. In other words, they go for the picture—like tall, dark, and handsome. We’d all love that, but not all men are tall, dark, and handsome.

You have to spend time asking, “What’s the experience you want with a person? How do you want to feel?” They may look different than you think, and often they do. But it’s about the experience. 

Like you said, Makena, what lifestyle do you want? Do you want marriage? Do you want kids?

For you, I told you early on, you needed a man who adored you, right?

Makena: Absolutely. Yeah, and the picture isn’t always about how they look physically. It’s not that everyone thinks, “Oh, only if they look a certain way.” I think you’re talking about a picture in terms of an idea, right? We have a concept of, “They’re going to be this way,” or “They’re going to have this kind of career,” or maybe it’s about how they’re going to look.

But really, you helped me see the experience in terms of the feeling I wanted. You also guided me to get super clear on what I truly wanted. I knew I wanted marriage. I knew I wanted children eventually, though not right away. I knew I wanted a certain kind of lifestyle and for us to grow that together over time. 

So, there was a lot of clarity there for me in terms of the experience I wanted.

When I met Sunny, there was an immediate recognition of alignment. 

It was like, “Oh, our visions for the future, our values, and all these different aspects really align.” That was a huge indicator for me, but I wouldn’t have known that if I hadn’t had that clarity going in.

Gigi: Yeah, and sometimes it’s important to consider whether you want to find someone who’s at the beginning of their career, someone you can be with as they grow and develop, and where you can really be that supportive and empowering person.

Or do you want someone who already has success in their career? Because those are two very different lifestyles, right?

And another thing is, for women, do you want a guy who’s a real family man, someone who’s also a businessman but enjoys camping, spending time outdoors with the kids, and living that lifestyle—the way you want to raise your family?

Or do you want someone super career-focused who’s really committed to their work, creates a certain lifestyle, pays for everything, and gives you the freedom to explore what you want to do and what’s important to you? 

Like you said, I think it comes down to the values that are important to you.

Makena: Yeah, absolutely. I wanted someone I could grow with. I didn’t necessarily want someone who was already there in terms of career, lifestyle, or whatever. 

I wanted someone who would come in, and we would build a life together. And that’s what we’ve been doing over these last nine years, which, as you said, is a very different choice than if I had said, “I want someone who’s super successful, already has their life set, and I’m just going to walk into that life.” Of course, we would build aspects of it together, but it was a different choice.

And then, of course, there’s growing a family and things like that as well. 

I love thinking about that—the feeling, the lifestyle. 

Like you’re saying, if you’re super outdoorsy or want to travel a lot, do you want someone who’s more entrepreneurial or someone who has more stability in a certain kind of job?

It won’t always be exactly what you think, but I think the important thing, like you’re saying, is the feeling, the experience.

Gigi: And the values are important. Yeah, the values are really important. You know, I say you can find a partner who has some different values from you, but in my experience, it makes for a very difficult relationship if the values are completely different.

So, it’s good to see what kind of values are important to you and really identify your top three. Those are your non-negotiables. When we talk to people and take them through a process to figure that out, we help them determine what’s truly important to them in a partner.

Makena: Yeah, and that is part of the guide that we shared before. You can get it at http://www.wayofthemuse.com/soulmate. 

We’ll go a lot deeper into some of these other aspects. Our program, which we talked about in the last episode, is “The Way of Growing Love,” and that’s in the collective right now, our monthly membership program.

It starts in about a week and is really focused on communication skills. It’s about learning the skills that set you up to have a thriving relationship when you find love. 

We’re also doing a full bonus module, which is very in-depth, on finding love.

So, if you’re going through the Growing Love program and you’re not yet in a relationship, you still need those foundational skills and tools. 

Then, we have specific content that goes much deeper into how to call in love and move through the things that might get in your way. 

If you’re curious about that, it’s at http://www.wayofthemuse.com/collective if you’re listening in October or November 2024. 

If you’re listening later, we’ll have a page up where you can purchase the program as a standalone self-study. You can also email support@wayofthemuse.com if you’re curious.

So, Gigi, what else do you see? What are some other things that slow down the process or get in the way when someone’s really looking for love? 

A lot of the women I talk to, especially those in their mid-30s to 40s, have been looking for a while. They feel like, “Man, I’ve been looking, and I haven’t found that person, so what’s stopping me?” 

What else do you see?

Gigi: Holding on to the past. What happens is, if you’ve had a bad experience and you’re holding onto that, it creates something within you—maybe even repelling people away from you. 

So, it’s really important to do some work and see what you’re holding onto. 

Has this experience created a perception about men, for example, if you’re a woman? Have past relationships where you were hurt shaped how you view men?

That perception might keep you from getting out there and being curious about the men who are out there because there are some really great men out there. This is a big one because if you don’t look into it, you’ll end up recreating the same patterns.

It’s really, really important to see where you’re stuck, where you’re in pain, or where you’re still hurting, and get the support you need. In the work I’ve done with women for years, we go through exercises to help them identify what they’re holding onto so they can move past it. They can reach forgiveness, get a fresh start, and say, “There is a great person out there for me.”

Because, a lot of times, when we’re hurt, somewhere in the back of our minds, we think, “Maybe there really aren’t any great men out there.”

Makena: Yeah, it’s true. I definitely hear that—whether it’s a story like, “It’s hard to find great men,” or “Dating in the city is hard,” or whatever it might be for you. 

I’m curious, though, when it comes to holding onto something from the past. Some people may not have looked at it, while others think they have. They believe they’ve addressed it.

Do you ever see this being a blind spot for women? 

Like, they think, “Oh, I’m not holding onto anything,” but then you, as a coach, can look and say, “Actually, there are some things showing up here.” 

Is that true? Or are people typically pretty self-aware when you bring this up, where they can say, “Oh, yeah, I see what I’m holding onto”?

Gigi: No, it’s definitely a blind spot. Yeah, it’s a blind spot, and it’s hard to see it in yourself. That’s why it often requires a coach, therapist, or someone to support you in walking through it. 

You’re absolutely right—maybe not most, but a lot of women think, “Oh, I’m fine. I got through that. I’m done with it.”

But still, there’s something in them where their heart is closed, and they’re not completely willing to get vulnerable and go for another partnership. Maybe it’s because they’re afraid of getting hurt again, too.

Makena: And it’s interesting because, like you said, sometimes people end up calling in something similar because they haven’t fully moved through things. That’s really a sign—if you’re calling in a similar dynamic when you’re dating or in relationships, and it keeps showing up again and again, even when you’re trying to make different choices, there’s often something unintegrated that needs to be moved through and released in order to call in something different.

I was just speaking to a friend the other day who’s dating right now, and this was actually a man. I think it’s important to be aware that sometimes we overcorrect. 

Something we talked about was an “aha” moment for him—he’s dating someone who’s very different from his former partner. I asked him, “Is this a pendulum swing the other way?”

And he had this realization, like, “Oh my gosh, you’re right!” She was so different—on the opposite end of the spectrum—but maybe, in this case, a little too different. 

So, was it really what he wanted, or was it just a reaction? 

That’s something to be aware of, too, because sometimes we go, “No way, I don’t want that thing,” and we swing too far in the other direction instead of landing on what’s truly aligned for us.

So, it’s important to recognize when something isn’t fully integrated and be aware of that as well.

Gigi: Absolutely.

Makena: What else?

Gigi: So, the other one is not educating yourself. How do you create harmony with the opposite sex? How do you build a relationship that continues to expand over time instead of contract?

There’s almost this unconscious belief that relationships are just supposed to work out and that we don’t really need to understand them or that we should just know how to do them. This is one of the biggest myths in life, I think.

If you look at the work, time, attention, awareness, and consciousness you’ve put into your connection with Sunny —that’s the reason why you have such a great, harmonious relationship.

That’s why you have a great, harmonious relationship. 

You have a strong foundation—you love each other, and you came together with similar values. 

So, you have that foundation, but without the tools you have, it would be a whole different ballgame, right? You know this.

Makena: Hugely. I mean, you’re right. The amount of time, energy, and attentiveness it takes is a lot. It’s an ongoing, continuous effort and an area of intentionality. I think sometimes women who aren’t in relationships might think, “Do I really want that? It sounds like a lot of work. That sounds hard.”

But I will say that having these tools from the beginning made it so much easier. Of course, there are challenges, and yes, it takes time and effort, but there’s also a lot of ease to it. We set a solid foundation from the start, and it’s been about growing on that foundation, regularly checking in, and continuing to build.

Without a doubt, this relationship feeds me far more than the effort I put in. What I receive from it is 10x the effort I invest. So yes, it is time and effort, and you might be thinking, “I don’t know how that’s even going to work,” but if you’re willing to put in the time and if it’s the right person with the right alignment, I can’t even describe what it gives you.

A lot of people don’t realize that’s possible because they’ve never experienced a relationship like that. 

That’s why I’m so passionate about this topic—I want more people to understand, even if it’s just by hearing someone like me share or by looking at other great partnerships, what that kind of quality connection can be and what it can give you.

Gigi: Yeah, I’m glad you made that distinction because a lot of people have no idea. You’re absolutely right about that. 

From all my years of experience, what I’ve found is that when people are willing to get curious about what it takes to grow something profound—something that expands over time—and they’re willing to put in the work, they end up with these quality connections.

Even if it’s a temporary relationship and not “the one,” you practice, learn about yourself, and really educate yourself on relationships. The experience is often far above anything they’ve ever had. It sets them up to practice and, eventually, find their partner down the line.

This is why educating yourself is so important. 

I’ve spent my career studying and sharing with men and women how we’re so different—how the masculine and feminine are different—and how we can work together. Our differences complement each other, even though most people would say they don’t, that they “rub each other the wrong way.” But once you start to learn, your perception shifts and you see how we’re designed to work together.

Another key thing is knowing what you want and how to communicate that. So often, as you’ve seen with Makena and the women we work with, we communicate in a way that tells people what we don’t want rather than what we do want. And then, when we get what we don’t want, we’re upset about it, but that’s exactly what we’ve been asking for the whole time, right?

Makena: Yeah, we don’t think we’re asking for that, but through complaining, blaming, and criticizing, we’re reinforcing what we don’t want instead of knowing how to ask for what we want in a way that feels like a win-win. In a way that your partner can really hear, understand, and respond to. When you’re in a relationship and there’s love, of course, you want your partner to get what they want. You both do, right?

But if it feels like you’re always on opposite sides, there’s an entire dynamic at play. These are skills you need to learn before you enter a relationship.

Another misconception that’s important to address is that people think they just need to focus on finding the relationship, and then they can learn all the things about how to be in it.

If you’re single, your attention is probably focused on, “How do I find a partner?” 

But what if you put time and energy not only into finding that person but also, like you said, Gigi, into really understanding the differences between men and women, or the masculine and feminine? What if you focused on knowing what you want and how to communicate it? 

I think you’re going to share a few other things here as well, but it’s like, if you put that time in now, you’re energetically telling the universe—or God—that you’re getting ready.

When that person comes into your life, you’ll already be ready to be in a relationship with them. You’ll have the skills and tools. 

What a beautiful way to start, rather than just focusing on finding the person, and, once they show up, all your stuff—your triggers and patterns—comes up.

Gigi: Yeah, that’s where getting educated on communication skills is so important. When there’s a conflict, most people don’t know how to handle it. But when you know how to approach it, you can set things up to create harmony. 

I think we talked about this in past podcasts—how misunderstandings, if not handled properly, are often what starts to create separation between people. They don’t know how to navigate it and just dig themselves further into it.

Another big one is understanding or knowing your own impact—how you come across to others. 

Are you putting out people’s lights out with your communication style? Like you said, are you complaining or blaming? Over time, when you’re with a partner, they may just stop listening if that’s the pattern. So, really starting to see that and learning about yourself in a deep way—not to criticize yourself, but to wake up and go, “Oh my gosh, I had no idea I was doing that.”

When I reflect this back to people, they’re often shocked because they didn’t realize it. 

But if you take the time to learn about yourself and educate yourself, you’re so far ahead of the game. Then, when you do find the right partner, you know how to truly build something—a relationship that gets better and better over the years.

I also want to bring up another point—this applies not just to people in their 30s but also to couples in their 50s and 60s. Often, I see couples who have been together for a long time and have this attitude of, “Well, this is just the way we are. We’re fine.” But they’re not willing to step back and say, “Wait a minute, I want to be really close to my partner again. I want this relationship to grow and get better over time.” 

They can get a little lazy, but it’s so important to put in the time and effort because, as you mentioned earlier, the experience, reward, and quality of life can change completely.

I’ve witnessed this so many times. 

I led the Secrets of Power Couples retreat last February, and you were there with me. We saw couples find ways to connect and communicate in ways they had never been able to before in their entire relationship.

The depth and quality of their connection were so profound—they were blown away. Many of them said they didn’t even know that kind of connection was possible.

Makena: Yeah, and this was your retreat, right? Secrets of Power Couples, the week-long retreat you lead about once a year. Absolutely, the transformation was amazing. People are still telling us about the impact and how much it shifted things for them. 

It’s incredible when you can go with your partner and have that experience.

For those listening who aren’t in a partnership yet, it all starts with educating yourself. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, it really begins with learning these skills and tools, seeing your impact, and realizing how much can get cleared up right there.

People wouldn’t believe it. We see it with the women coming out of our retreat—whether it’s in their romantic relationships, their relationships with their kids, or at work—they often think, “Oh, it’s definitely the other person. It’s just the way it is.” 

Then, with just a few tools and skills, and by seeing their impact on our mastermind program, huge changes happen in such a short period of time. They’re like, “Oh my gosh, people are acting completely different.”

Gigi: Who changed? Right? I changed. They changed.

Makena: Overnight, Suddenly, they’re a different person, and that’s really the power of this work.

That’s why we combined Growing Love and Finding Love into one program instead of doing separate programs. 

As you go through the process of educating yourself, learning these skills, and seeing your impact, something starts to shift—even energetically. In yourself, in your views, in how open you are. Something begins to open up, which paves the way for you to call in that love.

Then, we can look at the tools, tactics, and everything else, but this underlying shift is key. A lot of people go straight into dating or hire a dating coach, and sometimes that works. But often, there are deeper pieces underneath that need addressing. If those aren’t resolved, they end up struggling because something’s not moving.

So that’s really, really important, and it is to walk it all the way through.

Gigi: And you know, if you’re looking for a partner and you’ve been hesitant or don’t find the time, we had a woman we worked with for many years. She was ready to find another partner, but every time she started moving in that direction, it just didn’t stick. She couldn’t follow through. 

Finally, we found a game or container—a way of approaching it that was fun for her to go out and find a partner. She went after it and found her partner in five days. 

Remember Makena? 

Makena: Literally five days! She was like, “Okay, I found him.” We were like, “What?!” It happened so fast.

Gigi: So, see what works for you. Make it fun! I’m a game person, so if you’re a woman looking for a man, start by just talking to 10 men a week—in the grocery store, at the coffee shop—just talk. You’re not looking for a date but simply starting to connect with men again. 

If you’ve been isolating yourself, those simple little actions can create a big change. Just have fun with it!

Makena: Absolutely. And just to share one more time, if you want the free guide on how to call in your soulmate, go to http://www.wayofthemuse.com/soulmate. 

The Growing Love program, The Way of Growing Love, which also includes bonus modules on finding love, is running live in the collective. You can find that at http://www.wayofthemuse.com/collective.

If you’re not listening to this in October or November 2024, you can email us at support@wayofthemuse.com, and we’ll let you know how to get it as a self-study program once the live version is finished.

Thank you all for listening. 

Take one thing you learned today, put it into action, and we’ll see you in the next episode.

Gigi: Thank you. Thanks, Makena.