Gigi: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the Way of the Muse.

Makena: Nice to be here with you all for our second episode of the new year. We have a great episode when it comes to thinking about dreaming, planning your year, goal setting. We did one last week that touched on that kind of topic as well, and this is a little bit of a different angle, which is all of those “shoulds”—all the things you think you should do that you may or may not really want to do. Right, Gigi?

Gigi: Yeah. We see this in our clients, and that’s why we thought of the topic, because we see it in so many different areas. I think this goes back to—we have this way that we think we should be, and those pressures come from when we grow up, society, all different things, religion. So we get stuck in these thought patterns and we live our life from this place of what we should do instead of really looking in and seeing what do we really want to do. Most of you who are listening to this podcast are probably old enough now—

Makena: Right.

Gigi: That it’s really time to choose what you want to do. That’s great, it’s at the beginning of the year, and it’s time to really change that dynamic this year.

Makena: Yeah. Because how many times have you set goals or even actually accomplished things, right, that you set your mind to, and then you realize, like, it didn’t feel the way you wanted it to when you accomplished it, or you set this goal and you didn’t really go for it. Often that’s because it was a “should” rather than a true desire. That distinction is so powerful, but it’s so ingrained in us to do these things that we think we should do. I think it’s really important to step back and take the time to define the difference for you.

Gigi: Yeah. Through reflection, we can start to see that if you just look at anywhere in your life right now where you’re doing something because you think you should do it. I just worked with someone, and this was one of her issues. She thought she couldn’t go for what she wanted because she had all these other things to do. When I said, let’s go to what you want to do first, and when we went to the “want to,” even some of the things that she thought she should do took on a different energy and became fun. The context she was coming from was that first, she was doing what—

Makena: She wanted to do. That distinction, that it can even just shift the way you feel about the same things and just make them more fun. 

We were talking about some specific stories with different clients, and one of the stories was a client who has been working with us for several years. 

She’s been building her business, she’s had success, and she always wanted to write books. She had this kind of story in her head that she had to grow this business to some certain size or do certain things before she would write her books. We really helped her see, or she experimented—she’s been building her business, doing different things. Then this past year, we really saw, oh my gosh, there’s so much energy with writing these books. 

Something you always talk about, Gigi, is to start with the end game in mind, which is kind of like, when it all works out, what would you be doing? 

For her, this was writing books. She really dove in these past few months to her writing, and it’s brought up so much creativity and inspiration for her. She’s just in such a different space, and then she can take all that energy and put it into her business as well. It’s just shifted her perspective, shifted her energy, and is a really great example of, okay, she thought it should be a certain way, that she had to follow this certain path. Now she’s kind of flipped the focus and is still building her business, but doing it in a different way, if that makes sense. This is like a big focus and a big priority for her at this stage.

Gigi: Yeah. The lesson there is when she let go of what she thought she should do, she was able to then more embrace this other thing, which was writing the books, and able to let herself go and really enjoy it—to really feel like she could let herself get lost in it. Before, it was something that she felt she shouldn’t spend so much time on, or whatever.

Makena: Right.

Gigi: That’s taking away from something. So I think that’s a great story. Yeah.

Makena: And the interesting thing about that is, in the long run, it will probably grow her business far more. She’ll grow an audience because it’s the thing that has so much energy and aliveness for her. It’s going to come back around and pour into her business in unexpected ways. 

That’s so often the case. So, like you said, what’s the end game? Or, when it all works out, what would you be doing? What has that energy for you, or what do you really, really want? Start there. It doesn’t mean you’re not doing your other things—if you have a business or a job—but it is just flipping the focus there.

Gigi: Yeah, yeah. And this can be in a lot of different arenas. This can also be in your personal life. 

I see this so many times with new moms. They think they should be with their kids a certain way. We’ve talked about this on previous podcasts. When they, again, look at how they really want to raise their kids, what the lifestyle they have is, and they start to shift that, then it becomes natural and more organic. Instead of trying to follow and do all the “shoulds,” or do it the way their parents did, they really look at and see anywhere in their parenting where they’re doing what they think they should do and where they’re doing what they intuitively want to do or how they want to be creative in building their family dynamic. 

Not the way your sister’s doing it or your friends are doing it, but really, what’s the way you want to do it, and stand in your power with that.

Makena: I was thinking as you were talking about, how would somebody identify these areas, right? I think it’s probably just to look at where in your life you have any level of discontent. Anywhere you feel like something doesn’t feel quite as good as you want it to or you thought it would, or you feel a little frustrated in an area and there might be a “should” at work there. 

You might be living out, like you said, something your parents said you should do or you’ve seen your friends doing or you just grew up thinking that’s the way it was. If you kind of list those out and then you go, what’s the story I’m telling myself here? What is the “should”? And then, what do I really want? That’s the simplest approach, right? And then it’s having the courage to—

Gigi: Make that change, because sometimes it deals with other people too, which is the challenging one. Think about it—

Our teachers taught us “should,” right? If you went to certain kinds of schools, you had “shoulds” ingrained. Those things are ingrained in us even as adults. The more we can eliminate those, the more we really step into who we’re meant to be. Who do we want to be on this planet? How do we want to live our life? That is really valuable. It makes you live more authentically, have more fun, and also really bring who you are and your impact into this world.

Makena: Absolutely. That’s so much when people work with us, and it’s definitely the evolution I’ve had as well with you mentoring me, Gigi. 

I call it “permission to be you,” permission to be your true self. It’s this evolution that happens—or has happened for me—over years of more and more and more. I know what I really want, I know who I really am, and I’ve been able to unwind some of these “shoulds” and some of these patterns and beliefs that I have to do it a certain way and really claim the life I want in all different areas. Like you said, this can be big things, but it can also be really small things. 

I had a coaching call a week or two ago with one of our clients, and she was telling me how she felt so stressed about her calendar and the way she was approaching it, and she thought she needed to do it another way. 

I said, “Well, is the way you’re doing it effective? Are you getting your stuff done? Are you getting results?” She said, “Yeah, I’m actually really effective.” 

And I was like, “Maybe you don’t need to do it a different way.” And she was like, “Oh, you’re so right.” But she needed somebody to permission that and say, “Actually, if you’re getting the result, you don’t need to do it that way.”

Gigi: Right, right.

Makena: Yeah.

Gigi: Yeah. I think that’s true too, because we’re learning. Even in our mastermind, the women are learning all different things, and so sometimes they take it literally and think they have to follow every single step instead of using their creative way to take certain things that get them better results, maybe, but then keep the rest. Like you said, if it’s working for you, there’s no reason to change it whatsoever.

Makena: Yeah, actually, that’s a really great point, because how many people listening have bought a program before or hired a coach or whatever it might be, and then you have all this information—we get this with social media, right? We’re inundated with information about all these ways you should be living your life and the ways you should be organizing your closet and whatever it is. 

We get stressed and overwhelmed, thinking we’re not doing it right. That’s the underlying feeling a lot of the time. What we’re encouraging you to do is put this filter on—if something is exciting and interesting for you, or if there’s an area of your life where you’re not getting the result you want and you want to try something else, then great, use that strategy or have your coach help you with something. 

We always tell people, we don’t care if you do what we say or not, as long as you’re happy and getting the results you want. That’s what we care about. 

So have this filter as you go through life—wait a second, am I just “should-ing” all over myself, as people call it, or is this really what I want? Maybe you want to tell the story, Gigi, of our client who realized she was doing this around self-care. Do you remember that one?

Gigi: We talk about what are the things that nourish you. I don’t know how she got off on this because we really go in depth about making sure it’s something that nourishes you when we talk about self-care, finding those things that you love. But I think we were talking general self-care, and so she would always make these agreements—”Yeah, I’m going to get my nails done, I’m going to get a massage.” Maybe because other people were saying that, I’m not sure, but she came to it just recently—

Makena: She told you?

Gigi: And she was like, “Oh my gosh, I realized I don’t really like massage.”

Makena: She’s like, “I just want to go for walks in nature.”

Gigi: Yeah, walks in nature. And what was the other one she’s doing?

Makena: I can’t remember. Oh gosh, I can’t remember. I know she loves to read fiction books, that’s a big one for her.

Gigi: Yeah.

Makena: But yeah, walks in nature. 

To your point, Gigi, because we do talk about the distinction of what really nourishes you versus what’s a self-care “should.” I think the point there, though, is that even though we make that distinction, she had to try some things on. Maybe she didn’t know if massages nourished her, and I think that’s what it was about for her—she thought, okay, let me try this. 

She tried it for a while and then was like, wait a second, this is not even really unwinding me. It’s not even really the thing I want to be doing.

Gigi: Yeah. When she went to the walking and really got into it—it took her a while to get there, right? But when she started doing it, now her husband’s going with her and she says it’s great, intimate time they have together. It’s great time where they get to talk about things and they’re out moving. 

So again, when she went to what was right for her, often people want to join you. I say you become more magnetic when you start living your life from that place of self-expression, from who you are and choosing the things that you love to do. You become just so much more dynamic.

Makena: Yeah, and it is a good example of, if I think back with this particular client, I remember before, she would talk about going on walks, but it was always a “should.”

Gigi: Yeah.

Makena: She was like, it was from this energy of, I need to exercise or I need to go for these walks, and so she would do it sometimes but not be consistent with it. What’s changed is she realized, I don’t know when the aha happened, but somewhere along the line she realized, “Oh, wait, I enjoy this.” This is something that really, like you’re saying, nourishes her. Maybe the addition of her husband walking with her—that may have contributed. Now it’s like she wants to do that, and so to your point earlier in the episode, the energy around the same thing can change. Now she’s being consistent with her walking because she realizes this isn’t a “should,” it’s something she really wants to do.

Gigi: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Makena: And I think that’s such a powerful shift that can happen.

Gigi: I think part of the change, if I’m just guessing, but I remember when we did a session and I really encouraged her to go get a functional medicine doctor. I think you were on that session.

Makena: Maybe I heard about it.

Gigi: So I encouraged her to go because she had some things around not feeling well and some weight and stuff like that. I said, “I really think if you go do that, it would help you so much.” I think when she did that, she made such a change and lost like 20 pounds. So it was no longer that walking was a “should,” that she had to do something to move and work out. Now she feels different and lighter, and now it’s something she’s doing for pleasure and fun.

Makena: Health and to feel good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. So we’ve talked about a few different areas this can show up, and again, it could show up anywhere, right? It could be around your health and wellness, it could be around your self-care, around the way you’re approaching your schedule, around the way you’re growing your business, but people—

Gigi: You have to talk to—

Makena: Tell me about that one. What do you mean?

Gigi: Like “should”—this comes up with family members a lot of times.

Makena: Oh, okay.

Gigi: Yeah, yeah, yeah. “I should talk to my parents, I should talk to my sister,” and again you see, what do you want to do there? Of course you want to be connected, but how? Again, look and see, what is the way that works for you? Is that taking them to lunch once a week and then you feel good? Or is that getting on a Zoom call once a month? What is it where you can let go of the “should”? Because people feel this a lot around family.

Makena: Absolutely. So many “shoulds” that show up there. The last piece here is around when other people are involved. 

For example, you talked about motherhood, and there are a lot of “shoulds” that come up for people around motherhood. I had one—I’ll use this as an example. I don’t know where this came from, I don’t think it was anything I necessarily saw or heard, but it’s just kind of implicit in this idea of being a mom and doing it all, I guess. We hired a nanny part-time and I felt like whenever I had the nanny helping with our daughter, I needed to be productive during that time. So I was running around the house doing things or working on projects or whatever, kind of in this go, go, go energy, and I never would stop and just take 30 minutes for myself and just take a nap if I really needed it or read a book or watch a show. 

It still feels edgy, honestly, for me to do that, but that was one where I did end up talking to Sunny, my husband, and saying, “I feel like I really need a little downtime.” He was like, “Why aren’t you doing that when the nanny is here?” I said, “That’s okay?” And he said, “Yeah, I want you to be relaxed. I want you to feel good. That’s part of why we hired support.” It’s so funny, because it’s this unconscious thing, and I was just like, “Oh, okay.” In that case, he was right away on board, but even if you have something like that and you’re not sure with your partner, it’s just talking it through with them, like, “Hey, I’m kind of making this assumption or I’m thinking I need to be doing this thing, but I really want to be doing this other thing. What do you think about that?”

Gigi: Yeah, I think through conversation. Absolutely. Yeah.

Makena: And the other example you were talking about with parents or people in your life, family members or something like that. I think you have an example there.

Gigi: Yeah. I had someone whose parent—they alternate during Christmas, sometimes they’re with just their immediate family, sometimes with the bigger family. So it was a year to be just with their kids and themselves. But then there was pressure from her mother and sister that they would come and be part of the bigger family that year. I said, “What do you want to do?” She said, “I really want to stay home with just my kids and my husband.” I said, “Then you just need to share that. This is our year, so we’re going to do this. If you want to go out to lunch or something, we’re happy to do that.” Then it just handled all that pull and push and everything. For her to be honest—otherwise she was going to go and be frustrated, and that’s just not going to end up good in the long run.

Makena: Yeah, absolutely. It’s a little uncomfortable to stick to your guns, so to speak, to stick to what’s right for you. Like you said, it handles so much of the back and forth and the underlying frustration and resentment that can come up in relationships when you get clear on what you actually want in this situation and communicate that in a loving way. It has nothing to do with the other person; it’s just, here’s what I want and how can we make this work?

Gigi: And that’s a great distinction. It’s just, this is what I really want. It’s such a great approach. We get frustrated, then we don’t want to say, and then we get upset, instead of just saying, “Hey, this is something that’s important to me,” or, “This is something that I really want.” Most people might get upset for a minute, but most people are going to understand that.

Makena: Yeah, especially if you share in that case the why—like, I really feel like I need a more low-key holiday, or I really feel like this, and it has nothing to do with you, this is just something I really need. Some people get upset still, but most people will come around and understand. All right, everyone, that’s our episode for today. Thank you for listening. Thank you as always—hopefully subscribe, if you haven’t already, to the podcast and share it with someone in your life that you think would benefit from this. We always love ratings and reviews. We’ll see you next time.

Gigi: See you next time.

Makena: Bye.