Confidence: Be the Woman Who Goes For It

Makena: Hello, beautiful people. I am so happy to be back, not just back to another podcast episode, but back home. 

We just wrapped up our seven-day, eight-night retreat in Sonoma, California, in wine country. We had 18 women there from all over the world: Asia, Europe, Jamaica, the US, and it was an incredible week. Truly, I think it was our best group ever, and we have had some incredible groups. 

My mom’s been leading retreats for 38 years, and I’ve been leading them with her for about 10 years. So to say it’s our best group ever is pretty cool. 

We had an amazing time. The women bonded so much with lots of laughter, transformation, tears, growth, clarity, and fun. We had a lot of fun too.

So, coming off the heels of that, we were talking about what we want to share with you—what’s really present and fresh for us right now. 

We were actually going through some of the surveys from the women sharing about their experiences and what’s changed for them. A theme that comes up over and over again when people work with us is confidence. 

Whether it’s a retreat, an online coaching program, or private coaching, again and again, we hear women say, “I’m so much more confident.” 

That’s an important topic because we also talk to a lot of people who struggle with confidence. Maybe you’re confident in some areas, but when it comes to your visions and dreams or really stretching outside of your comfort zone, or something that’s really close to your heart and soul, maybe it’s even finding a relationship—there might be areas where you feel a lack of confidence. 

I wanted to record an episode about this because every woman—and every person, not just women—should have the tools to feel confident in the areas that are most important to them. That’s really what this episode is about. 

I was one of those people who was pretty confident throughout a lot of my life, but there were areas in which I was quite insecure. My sister Mariah used to call me one of the most confident and insecure people she knew. There was truth in that because there were areas in which I was a high achiever. I studied and worked hard and was always good in school, so there were parts of my life where I had a lot of strength and confidence, but there were other areas where I felt totally uncertain or unsure of myself.

Now, if I really reflect back, I have a lot of confidence in a lot of areas. It’s not that I don’t have areas where I feel insecure anymore; I would say there are still areas and days when I feel less confident. 

But in general, I’ve built this muscle of confidence much more, and I really have it in so many areas of my life. I don’t feel that same sense I used to have, like if I was going to stretch outside of my comfort zone or do something that was scary to me, that paralyzed feeling of “I don’t know if I can do that” or “I don’t know if I have what it takes.” I know how to walk myself through that. That’s what I want to talk about and how we help our clients to do that as well.

I was reflecting on what changed—what really made the difference for me. Of course, some of this is life experience, right? The more life experience we have, hopefully, the more confident we become. Sometimes it can go the other direction depending on how things go. 

But as I have developed skills in my life and my business, a lot of confidence has come through that. Not just in business, but in other areas. I’ve had a relationship for many years now, almost nine years, and have a lot of peace and harmony and fulfillment in that relationship. 

So in areas where I’ve really practiced and applied myself, of course, I have more confidence. Some of it is a matter of practice, experience, and time, but we still see a lot of women who are go-getters and high achievers, maybe doing very well in their careers, who are still struggling with confidence in other areas. It wasn’t just that, though. 

I reflected on what changed for me. A big thing, if you know my story, is that I made a big career pivot about seven years ago. I stepped out of a successful business that I ran in marketing and into coaching, and that was a pivotal turning point in my life. 

It was the biggest thing I’d ever done to put myself out of my comfort zone. I was terrified because not only was I taking a big risk and changing everything about my career and walking away from something very successful to follow a hope and a dream, but I had also tried and failed to make a similar transition about a year prior. 

I had tried to step into coaching, start this new business, and it completely flopped. I really had taken a hit to my confidence. I thought, “I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I have what it takes. Maybe it’s just not what I am meant to do.” I was in a place of fear, a lot of fear.

But for those who know my story, I was also in a place where I couldn’t not make a change. I had to do something. My soul, my body, everything was telling me it was time. 

When I made that big leap—or what I usually call more of a transition because it took time and steps and didn’t just happen overnight like a leap—I really was not confident at first. 

I think that’s a big misconception about confidence: that we’re supposed to feel confident and then go out and do the thing. 

Have you ever felt that way? Like, “I need to work on my self-confidence. I need to stop feeling so much self-doubt, and then I will go out and do this.” 

Most of the time, that’s not how it works. In fact, I would say 80% of the time, it’s not how it works.

There is value in doing some examination if you have feelings of self-doubt or low self-worth, or if there are old stories or things inside of you that need to be looked at and questioned – there’s value in doing that. 

We have an episode around self-doubt. I don’t know the exact episode number, but I believe it’s called “The Self Doubt Switch.” We’ll link to it in the show notes and also in the transcript here, so you can go back and find that one if you’re interested. We go deeply into self-doubt in that episode. 

So there’s room for digging in, seeing what’s there, excavating, and shifting some stories, but that’s only probably 20% of the equation. 

The other 80% is just going for it—getting clear on what you want, taking steps in that direction, maybe falling down a few times, picking yourself back up again, and going for it again. That is difficult to do, especially in the things that are closest to our heart and soul. 

In that, I really define a confident woman, or a confident person, as someone who really knows what they want, is fully committed to going for it, and goes after it even when they feel fear, even when they feel self-doubt.

That’s the truth about confidence. Yes, the fear and self-doubt get less over time if you’re in action, but it doesn’t fully go away for most people. 

I still have days when I feel tons of fear and self-doubt, especially with something that’s pushing me out of my comfort zone. Now, I have a certain level of confidence in coaching and running a coaching business. I stand in my value and power there. I know the kinds of results we create for our clients. I see it every single day—I get to watch their lives, businesses, confidence, relationships, all these areas transform.

But in other areas, like a recent example, we’re writing a book right now called “The Way of the Muse.” I wrote the first draft of that book back in January, and it is now September 25th. I didn’t touch it for six months after I wrote the first draft. 

I had all the excuses and all the reasons why I didn’t: I was busy, we were working on other projects, other things were a priority. And that was true, but there was also a truth that it’s uncomfortable to stretch myself in this way—to put something out there that is so close to my heart and soul. 

It’s the story of my mentorship with Gigi, my mom and business partner, told through the lens of a woman who finds a journal in a bookstore, and it’s a magical journal that writes back to her. The journal teaches her things about life, business, and following the whispers of your soul to something more, and how to step into a life that’s truly the life you’re meant to live, that’s aligned for you.

So, this book has been on my heart and soul to write for some time, and it flowed out of me in basically one sitting over a couple of weeks. 

But then, I put it aside, and fear came in—self-doubt like, “I don’t know, is this any good?”

I didn’t really want to look at it again and edit it. So, all of this came up, and I spent six months not touching it. Then, I started getting into editing, and it was difficult. I still felt a lot of those feelings, like, “Is this good? Can I edit it to where I want it to be? Are people going to get it? Is it going to resonate?”

So it’s been a struggle and a challenge for me around not only prioritizing it and the time and effort that it takes, but also because this is something close to my heart and soul. 

It’s my first book, and I’m sure when I write my second, third, or fourth books, it will get easier. I’ll feel a little more confident, hopefully. 

But right now, it’s stretching me, and I’m aware of that.

So in that, when it’s something outside of your comfort zone, it’s going to bring up more feelings of fear, doubt, or whatever it might be. But I know better than to let that take me out of the game for too long. 

That’s the main thing—you have to see that. 

Gigi really reflected to me last week that I haven’t been fully committed to that project. I’ve been committed at times, but I’ve been a little bit one foot in and one foot out. And this is a really key piece of confidence. When I reflect on where I’ve developed the most confidence the fastest over time, it’s been in areas where I said, “I am all in. I’m fully committed. I’m absolutely going to make this happen no matter what.”

That kind of all-in commitment—when I coach people in their businesses or when Gigi coaches people in their businesses, careers, or anything in their lives—is the most important factor. 

When people come to us and say, “I want to grow in this way, like a year from now, I want to double my business, get a new job that I love, find that relationship I’ve been searching for, turn my health around, or whatever it might be—I want to write that book, I want to change the world in this way.”

When they tell us this, the most important factor in whether they’re going to join one of our more high-touch programs, like our mastermind Wealthy World Changers or private coaching, is that they’re coming into something where we’re going to work with them in a deep, intimate way to move that forward. This is different from a more entry-level group program or a self-study program.

One of the most important criteria for us when they come in is that they are fully committed. Fully committed.

Because if they’re not fully committed—like if it’s writing a book, and someone comes to us and says, “I want to write a book; I’ve been putting it off; I don’t know”—we have to see if they are fully committed to go for it now. If they’re not, we ask what’s getting in the way and if we can help them move through that. If we can’t, then we’re not the right people to support them.

Or if they say, “I want to double my business,” we ask, “Are you fully committed? Are you willing to go all in?” Going all in doesn’t mean you have to quit your day job if you have one or that nothing else in your life matters. It means being absolutely clear and willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen. 

Because if someone isn’t all in that way…

…then we know we can try to support them, but they’re probably not going to get to where they want to go—not in the timeframe they’re looking at.

So this is huge. To be completely transparent, if I look at this book project, I haven’t been all in. It’s been like, “I want to do it. I’m excited about it. I would love to do it,” but I’ve been maybe 70% in. I’m doing it, I’m moving it forward, but I haven’t fully committed myself until now. 

So I’m outing myself here for all of you to see that there are areas where I still struggle with this. That’s something I’ve been sitting with this week ever since my mentor Gigi showed me a light on it last week. It’s been hard to look at, hard to admit to myself that I’ve been doing that, right? I haven’t been all in. 

Then to really work through that in myself and ask, “Can I get to the point where I’m all in, where I’m a 10 out of 10?” I know that I can because I’ve done it before, and I know that I want to do this, and I want to do it now. 

So I’ll be there. Give me a few days; I’ll be there.

But I could also decide that I’m not all in right now. That’s also an option, right? I could say, “Well, you know, I’m actually not ready or for whatever reason, I’m not committed.” 

So then I may as well just set it aside and not be half in, half out because the truth is, my confidence has been taking a hit around this book, but it hasn’t been taking a hit because the book is bad necessarily. I hope it’s not, right? But it hasn’t been because I don’t know how to write a book or whatever it is. 

It’s been taking a hit because I’ve been telling myself I’ve been going for it when the truth is, I haven’t fully been going for it.

Over time, as time continues, I lose confidence. I lose confidence in myself, my word, and my ability to take something I want to do and see it through. 

That’s what one of the women shared at the retreat last week. She’s one of the women we’ve helped, I think, double her business in the last couple of years, and she’s working half the time, so much happier, so much more confident. She called in the relationship of her dreams. 

So much has changed in her life. She said, “It’s such an amazing thing to know that when I set my mind to something and commit to it, I will make it happen.” That rings a bell.

Imagine that feeling—when I set my mind to it and commit, I will find a way to make it happen. If you had that kind of confidence in yourself, how would that feel? 

In areas where you maybe don’t feel as confident right now, whether that’s in your career, business, finding a relationship, or your health.

Think of an area where you don’t feel confident right now and imagine having that feeling of, “My word is law. If I say I will do it, it will happen. I will find a way. I will move heaven and earth to make it happen.” 

That’s confidence.

So in that, you want to be honest with yourself in the area where you don’t feel confident. How committed are you? How committed have you been? 

If you had to give it a number on a scale of one to 10, are you at a six or seven, or are you at a 10? 

I don’t think any of you are probably at a 10 in that area, to be totally honest, because if you were, you would be creating more results there, and you would be feeling more confident. Maybe not right away, but pretty quickly you would start to have more confidence there. 

So most of you are somewhere lower than a 10. Even if you’re at an eight or a nine, it doesn’t matter. There’s still that 10–20% where you’re not fully all in and fully going for it.

That’s a really important piece of confidence. 

There’s another big project that I am working on that I’m not sharing publicly yet, and I’m sitting with that one right now too, asking myself, “Am I willing to go all in? Am I willing to do what it takes?” 

Because if I’m not, then it’s probably not the time for me to do it right now. I’m unsure; I’m unclear about the answer to that. I hope it’s a yes because I would love to see that project come to fruition, but I also know it would be painful for me to halfway go for it, to say, “I’d love to do this,” but not give my all because if I don’t, then I’m going to be so disappointed if it doesn’t happen. But that’s on me for not being fully committed.

So I’m really sitting with this at this stage in my life. We’re trying to be pregnant right now. There’s a whole new stage coming in terms of family and kids. 

Am I willing to, in addition to my business and this book, take on this other project that feels so exciting to me and like something that is really on my heart and soul to do? But is it the time? Am I willing to go all in? 

I know I’m spending a lot of time on this topic of commitment and being all in, and it may not be what you expected when you started listening to an episode about confidence, but I’m telling you, it is a huge part of the equation. 

If we have a conversation with someone who wants to coach with us and they can’t get themselves to a 10 out of 10 committed that they’re all in on their dream, whether or not they work with us, then we usually advise that they do not work with us. 

We’ve truly had people that we’ve said, “It’s probably not the time or not the best fit,” and sometimes they come back later when they are committed and ready.

But the reason is, it doesn’t matter how much coaching you sign up for, how supportive your loved ones are—it doesn’t matter if you’re not really ready to go for it now. 

So ask yourself, in the area where you feel less confident—if it’s your body, your relationship, your business, career, health, whatever it is—am I willing to go all in? Again, that doesn’t mean not doing anything else; it just means being committed, fully committed. Am I willing to 10 out of 10 do what it takes? 

And if the answer is yes, that’s a relief because you now know, and then it’s just a matter of how. 

The how is actually not as hard as you might think once you’re committed. Once you’re committed, it’s like, “I will figure it out. I will figure it out myself, or I will find someone who knows, and I will hire them to help me, or I will do whatever it takes.” 

The commitment creates a certain kind of strength, if not confidence, at least strength to go out and go for it. Then the confidence comes through—maybe it’s through the support of hiring somebody who knows what they’re doing or getting a team that supports you, or just trying things, failing at some of them, but seeing what works, learning, iterating, and continuing.

So confidence will come through first of all knowing what you want, secondly, committing that you’re going to go for it all in, and then thirdly, taking action, going for it, getting support if you need it, being willing to try, fail, and succeed. 

This is how confidence builds. 

It is not complicated, but it is not easy. You have to be willing to stretch yourself. That’s the bottom line. Anyone who is very successful in any area will tell you it took work, commitment, consistency, and going for it. It took failing sometimes.

That is what it takes to be confident. Otherwise, we’re just kidding ourselves. 

We’re sitting around thinking some people are just born with it. Maybe she’s born with it; maybe it’s Maybelline, right? Maybe she’s born with confidence? No. 

Some people, of course, have confidence fostered in them in a different way. If they had a certain kind of upbringing or had the opportunity—like you often see with great athletes—they’ve built the muscle of pushing themselves outside of their comfort zone, developing discipline, getting coaching, getting support, and going for it. Sometimes they can transfer that confidence into other areas of their life. 

It’s the same with someone who was really good in school or someone who’s had success in business or their career. A certain kind of confidence builds because they know how to succeed in one area, so they can transfer it into another.

So, that’s the other thing: look at where in life you’ve succeeded. Where have you felt confident? Even if it was a long time ago, when have you felt the most confident, and what were the elements there? What can you take away from that to bring into where you are now?

The last thing about confidence I want to speak about is knowing yourself. When I reflect on my journey over these last six or seven years, since stepping full-time into coaching and being mentored by my mom during that time, and growing this business together, I see that a huge part of my confidence came through knowing myself better. What I mean by that is knowing all the parts of myself. 

Through my mentorship and through the questions Gigi would ask me and the way she would reflect certain things to me, she has shone a light on my strengths and my gifts, which we’ve talked about in previous episodes, and also on my weaknesses and blind spots. That is not always easy, you guys.

That was literally the conversation last week. We talked about the book, and I saw the truth in what she was saying, and it was hard. Like I said, I felt angry at myself. I felt all kinds of emotions that night. I stayed up late journaling and thinking about it, and all this emotion came up in me because it was hard to look at where I hadn’t been fully honest with myself about not being all in. I had a blind spot, basically. 

I kept wondering, “Why is this so hard? Why is it so hard to get this book done?”

It wasn’t until she shone a light on it and said, “Here’s where you’re not being fully authentic with yourself,” that I realized, “Oh my gosh, she’s right.” 

But that was hard to look at. 

Through that, though, comes a certain kind of strength and confidence because I’m now being honest with myself about where I’ve been, where I am now, and how I want to move forward.

The same was true for the women at the retreat last week. 

We went through a lot of different things, and this is part of what we do with our clients: we shine a light on both. We get in there and look at what are your gifts, what are your true gifts, what brings you alive, who are you really, what are you meant to share in this world, or what kind of life do you want to live? 

We shine a light on what is unique and brilliant about you. 

A lot of times when people first see that or hear that, they can’t fully take it in because they feel like that’s immodest, or for whatever reason, they’re not confident in that area. 

Having believers, coaches, guides, mentors, and a community often through our mastermind or programs, or just the women at the retreat last year—having all those women there on their team, like everybody felt like a total team because we set it up that way. They were all out to support each other to get what they want. Imagine having 17 other women, 19 if you count me and Gigi, cheering you on, on your team, believing in you, reflecting your gifts. 

There is nothing like that; it is an incredible experience.

In that, we are people’s believers. We help them see who they really are. It’s not a compliment; it’s not making something up. It’s truly authentic. And that is where a certain kind of confidence builds. 

Over the years, I’ve had reflected to me enough by Gigi, by our clients, and by different people in my life, my gifts, my strengths, and how I’ve changed their lives, and that has built confidence. 

The other side is that I’ve also really had to look at where I had bad habits, where I wasn’t being honest with myself, or where I had blind spots—things about myself that weren’t great. 

When those were reflected to me, it was often very difficult to look at. 

Like with the women last week, we went through some of what we called the shadows, shining a light on your shadow. What are those not-so-great things we do sometimes in our relationships, for example, or in different parts of our lives? We don’t do them maliciously, but maybe they worked to get us something we wanted in the past, and unconsciously we kept doing them. But they were also preventing us in another way from getting what we want. 

We went through this whole segment of shining a light on your shadow to illuminate the other side. 

I will say that when I reflect on my journey with confidence, this has been a huge part of it because now I know myself deeply. 

I know my shitty side, I know my great side, I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses, and I can own all of that. In owning it, I step into a different kind of power, an inner power—not power over anybody, but an inner power and strength where I can stand up in front of a room and know who I am and what I do for people. 

Or I can walk into a party of people I don’t know and know myself.  

If people don’t like this or that, I can really be honest, like, “Yeah, that is a side of me,” or I can see, “That’s probably more of their projection.” I can see myself so much more clearly. 

So in that, there is this really important piece of confidence, which is having a space to get really real and know all the parts of yourself and own them. 

With different women last week, whether it was through that process or other reflections, we showed them their gifts and also their growth edges—the areas where they can really step up beyond what’s held them back. 

As we shone a light on those areas, the women were able to step into their power, know what they want, and be ready to go for it in a much bigger way. 

However you do that, it’s a really important piece of true confidence that comes from the inside: knowing all the parts of yourself, coming to love them, and changing the ones you want to shift, but knowing your tendencies and owning them. 

All right, do I have anything else? I think that’s really it. 

So, just to kind of recap: confidence—being the woman who goes for it, or the person who goes for it—is about, again, knowing what you want. 

That’s the first piece. You’ve got to get clear on what it is because otherwise, you’re sitting around unsure about why you don’t feel totally fulfilled or confident. 

A lot of times, people don’t feel confident because they’re not playing a big enough game. And what I mean by that is, they’re caught up in their day-to-day—not drama, but, you know, interpersonal conflicts, things they’re not happy with at their job or business. All these things have their attention, and they’re feeling down, low, and not so confident. 

Most of the time when we work with people—and we did an episode on this, I can’t remember what it was called, but we’ll link it in the show notes—it was about going for a bigger and better problem, basically not solving the smaller problem that’s on your mind, like, “How do I deal with my annoying boss at work?” That’s one kind of problem.

But when we work with people, we ask, “What’s the bigger and better problem?” which is about going for what you want—really seeing the bigger vision and going for it. We’ll link that here as well. 

So, knowing what you want is so important. That’s the game, so to speak—the vision, the thing that is truly exciting and aligned for you, fits you, and where you want to go.

Commit to going all in or not, because if you’re not going to do it, let yourself off the hook. Otherwise, you’re just going to be hard on yourself, and you’re not going to feel confident. 

If you’re not going to go for it right now—like if I decided I wasn’t going to do the book or this other project right now—I would have to fully let it go and say, “Okay, it’s just not the time.” It doesn’t mean I’m not capable, it doesn’t mean it’s not a great project, or even something I want to do. It just means, why beat myself up about it or go halfway?

Why not wait until I’m really a hell yes? So, commitment is the second piece—being willing to go outside your comfort zone, get into action, try and fail if you have to, succeed in other areas, learn, iterate, get out there, and get support if you need it. If you need a believer, a sounding board, or someone next to you – it’s a myth that we’re supposed to do it alone. Whoever programmed that into us or told us that we’re supposed to figure this out on our own—it’s baloney. 

We are interconnected people; at our core, we’re tribal. Connection and community were how we survived and thrived as a species, and they still should be, and are, in many ways to this day. 

So, sitting there by yourself trying to figure it out, you might be able to get there, but you could probably get there a whole lot faster, and with a lot more fun and ease, with support—whatever that looks like for you. 

Really knowing yourself, owning all parts of yourself, working on the ones you want to work on, but also owning your strengths, weaknesses, and areas where you’re doing things that aren’t working for you and you want to shift.

So those are the pieces I see in terms of confidence. 

I would love to hear what resonated for you after listening to this episode. You can write to us at support@wayofthemuse.com. 

Gigi and I often reflect that we have no idea who listens to this podcast unless someone goes out of their way to tell us, right? We see ratings sometimes, we occasionally get an email, and people tell us they’re listening and sharing with their friends, which we’re so grateful for. 

But beyond that, we have no idea.

So, if you’re listening to this or any of the episodes and something sparks an “aha” for you, if you’re moved by something or have a question, please write to us. 

We would love that—it gives us more feedback and helps us understand what you’re loving, what you want to see more of or less of, and what questions you have. That way, we can continue to customize this to what you’re looking for.

Thank you for listening. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

We’ll have some really fun episodes coming up soon, so keep an eye out for those—they come out every Friday. 

As always, please keep sharing. If you haven’t rated the podcast yet, please do—it really helps us. We’re still a baby podcast, so every rating helps on whatever platform you listen on. Reviews, sharing, and subscribing help a lot too.

Thank you. We’ll see you next week. Bye-bye.