The Power of Decision: Are You ALL IN… or ALL OUT?

Gigi
Hello, everyone. Welcome, everyone.

Makena:
Great to be back with you all. I am Gigi, and I was just talking about her Bali trip back in May, and you have a funny story, Gigi. I’ll let you tell it.

Gigi
Yeah. I don’t know if I talked about—did I talk about it in our last podcast?

Makena:
I think you mentioned the trip, but we didn’t go into the specific stories.

Gigi
Yeah. So I, always when I am leading retreats and throughout my years with my work and everything, I love to—whatever I’m going to share with the women, especially in the retreat that we’re doing in September, it’s around letting go. And so I thought, okay, that’s going to be the intention of my Bali trip. Right? So I went into it with, what are all the different kinds of experiences that I can have to let go of things? I think I might have shared—I did so many massages, all kinds of different massages: deep tissue massage, Thai, Balinese massage, just tons of different types of massages. Three-hour spa massage—wow. Yeah, it was just incredible. And I should share later, even—I did a water blessing with a high priestess in Bali, which was so moving. 

But the one thing I wanted to talk about for this particular podcast is that I went to a healer, and when I sat down with her and started talking and just sharing, I was waiting for her to tell me some really healing words, something profound, transformational. And it was transformational, but it was the last thing you’d ever expect. She goes, “The problem with you is you don’t know how to make decisions.” And I was like, oh my God, you’re so right. I said, you can call all my kids and they’ll tell you—I’m always like, “What should I do?” And they’re all sitting there like they don’t want to answer because they don’t want to be responsible. I said, my one daughter, you, Makena, you’re the one I always call and bounce ideas off, but I never really make decisions. And she said, “Well, that is definitely”—and then all through this 90-minute healing, that’s what we circled back to in every single moment. She would say, “You need to make a decision about that. You need to make a decision about that.” And here I am at a healer, and she takes a piece of paper, draws a line down the middle, and then says, “Here are your different options.” And her thing was risk, sacrifices, and consequences. I’d never heard of choice framed this way, basically for each choice, which was awesome.

Makena:
So.

Gigi
So it’s so funny to go and have this session, but it was also very, very profound. I came back and I was talking to my coach about it, and we’ll share some of the things—just a couple of things that he said, some quotes he gave me from a book and things like that. But it was really a powerful moment. I’m still working on making decisions, but it definitely gave me a framework, that’s for sure. And we laughed and laughed and laughed. We laughed. She would just say, “That’s a decision you need to make.” Yeah. So it was funny. Yeah.

Makena:
Well, maybe we start with the quote that you liked from your—that your coach had shared with you. Do you want to share that?

Gigi
Yeah. What was the author, Makena? We looked it up.

Makena:
Raymond Charles Barker.

Gigi
Yeah. And it’s from the book Decision.

Makena:
His book is about decision making.

Gigi
About decision making, yeah. And it was, “Indecision is the decision to fail.” And, you know, I shared that with somebody recently, and they were like, “I don’t think that’s a decision to fail.” People take it a little personally, but if you step outside of being personal about it and see that it’s true—then when she was sharing with me, my indecision in so many different areas is a decision to fail in that area, because I’m not really choosing. 

And I just have to say, before we get into this too, one of the things that I’ve always said is, women choose and men decide. After going to her, I thought, the choosing is super important, I think, for women—making a choice. But there are times in life that you have to make a decision. Yeah. And there’s a different energy with decision, right?

Makena:
Yeah. I was actually just going to look up—the root of the word decision is from the Latin verb “decidere,” meaning to cut off.

Gigi
Yeah.

Makena:
And so, for people who don’t really—or are saying, “What’s the difference in a choice versus a decision?”—a choice is, you choose something, and that’s powerful as well. A decision is really to cut off other possibilities. Basically, it’s really this kind of choice—or this, you know, decision, I guess we’re calling it—this level of decision where you burn the bridges or you cut off the other options, and you go, I’m all in, basically, to use our language.

Gigi
Yeah. And that was interesting. With my coach in our session, we also talked about, what am I done with? And that’s a decision that was really—that was powerful for me in terms of that. It’s true. I’ve got to see, where am I done? Where am I finished with something? Because then—you know, I know the times in my life when I have lived from that powerful place of just making decisions, because I’ve definitely been there in my life. That is when I, in many ways, had the most results in my life. Yeah.

Makena:
So for people listening, that’s one thing they could think about: What am I done with?

Gigi
Right.

Makena:
What could I no longer want to tolerate? Or that could be personal, that could be professional. And we’re going to talk about some of the places that—I’m going to call it indecision—but most people may not even relate to it this way until we really describe. Because what’s interesting is, a lot of times, people think that they are—they’ve made a decision, or they think that they’re all in on something. And then when we really dig deeper, they realize, wait, a part of me has, let’s say, one foot out the door. 

So one of the areas that this really shows up is in relationship. And I’ve been working on our book, and in the book I tell the story about, in my previous partnership before I met Sonny, when I really had the aha that I had one foot in and one foot out of that relationship. I was more in than I was out, right? I was very in that relationship. We had a great connection. But there was a part of me that was always in the back of my mind, like, I’m not 100% sure if this is it, right? And so I thought, well, that’s just normal, and I just kind of operated that way. But when I really saw that that was costing me—and it was costing me the quality of that relationship—and what you always told me, or I often hear you tell clients, is that if that relationship eventually comes to an end, then you’re not—you, if you were one foot in, one foot out, it’s like there’s still a question mark there.

Gigi
Right?

Makena:
Right. So, by going all in, what I ended up doing was deciding to go all in on the relationship, even though I wasn’t a hundred percent sure. And he didn’t necessarily do that. He didn’t necessarily reciprocate that. But it was still a really great time. I got to just take all the doubts, put them aside, go, I’m just going to be in this and enjoy it and be in it fully. And then when it did come to an end, it was so clear to me that it wasn’t meant to be because I had put in my all. And—I don’t know—it was just this freeing kind of thing. Do you want to talk a little bit about that, Gigi? Because you often share with people who are in relationships about how important this is.

Gigi
Yeah, I mean, first of all, you talked about how you always had, in the back of your mind—I think that’s the first thing for people to notice, is that back of your mind, right? We have that “I don’t know,” or “if this or…” And so the back of the mind, then, first of all, it drains energy, right? It drains energy, drains where you’re not able to be present. But as you said, Makena, with my clients for years and years—so many different scenarios I’ve shared with them. And in relationship, I call it 100 and 100, right? Not 50/50. And so, 50% is, you’ve got one foot out the door because you’re waiting for the other person to do their 50%. 100 and 100 is that you’re all in. And you’re all in, whether they’re all in or not. In so many different instances, that, like you said, makes a major shift when you decide. Because, first of all, the mind chatter goes, right? You’ve now really made a decision. And then you take responsibility for your decision and your choice. And I’ve had this a few times with relationships where there’s been a partner that has cheated. And then I have the person come to me and I say, listen, bottom line is this: you have to see, do you want to work on it? And if you do, you have to go all in. You cannot sit and keep on reminding and be a victim in this. You’ve got to finally own and get in there and work. And you have to go 100% in. Because if you do, just like you said, Makena, what will happen is, if it doesn’t work out, then when you leave, you know, you’re done. Because how many times do we talk to people where they think, oh my gosh—you know, I taught women for years in courses all over the world for women about communicating with men. And when women went through my course, they were like, “Oh my gosh, in my past relationship, if I would have done things differently, things would have been different.” And we don’t want to be in that position. And that’s what you’re talking about—the going all in and choosing and making a decision clearly—then gives you that, you know you gave it your best, right? Once you know you’ve given it your best, then it doesn’t mean it’s not going to be difficult to let go, but it does mean that you can be at peace with it.

Makena:
Yeah. Or you go all in, and then the other partner rises to that.

Gigi
Yeah.

Makena:
And the quality of your connection changes completely.

Gigi
I mean, that’s what we—

Makena:
We often see happens. So it’s not just a matter of, if it does eventually come to an end. It is this thing of, you can only control your decision, right—your side of the street. And really seeing that it doesn’t serve—(you lost a headphone there)—ultimately to be one foot in and one foot out. Because, like you said, if it does eventually end, there’s more murkiness to it. But also the quality of your experience in the relationship—we think it’s dictated by the other person, and of course that plays a role in things. But in my experience, when I did that and my partner didn’t, I still really enjoyed those months. The quality of our connection felt so different to me. I had more fun, I was more relaxed. Like you said, I didn’t have that mind chatter anymore. I just—I just got to set all of that aside and be fully in the—

Gigi
Experience and set the scoreboard aside, right?

Makena:
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And we see this too, with women who are—or men, people who are wanting to look for a relationship. People will tell us all the time, “I want a relationship. I want a relationship.” But what do you see here, Gigi?

Gigi
In terms of, again, have you made the decision to get one? Fully deciding. It’s like, it would be nice if it happens, but again, that’s not going to get you where you want to go. Right. It has to really be a decision. And that would kind of mix with intention, right? Which we talked about in other podcast episodes. Because when that decision comes in, the decision creates a certain kind of—well, what was the description again? The—

Makena:
Of what?

Gigi
Of decision. What was it—you said from the dictionary?

Makena:
Oh, to cut off. Yeah, the root of the word—cut off.

Gigi
Any other options or whatever, you make that decision. And so in that, there’s a lot of power in that. A lot of power in that.

Makena:
Yeah, absolutely. You shared about a client who recently said this to you, where you said something to her, right?

Gigi
Yeah, I had a client recently who said, you know, “I really want a relationship,” and I said, “Have you made a decision to have one?” And she said, “No, not really,” because in the back of my mind, I’m a little worried about my life, and will it make my life worse or will I have a lot of drama? So I said, “You’ve got to really get clear. If you want one, you’ve got to decide you want one, because otherwise it may happen, but the probabilities are a lot lower.”

Makena:
Yeah, and there’s so much to this because, again, there are many different frameworks for helping you make decisions. And I think sometimes that’s what people need, or you may need support to talk these things through with someone who can really kind of guide you or create space for you to walk through different scenarios, let’s say—or that’s something we often do with our clients. Because it’s just hard sitting there in our own brain sometimes to decide one way or the other. It’s like we hesitate. We think, “Oh,” because it is this thing—if I decide to that degree, then I’m cutting off, like we’re saying, the possibility of anything else. And that’s a bold move to make. And I think that’s why people hesitate, right?

Gigi
Yeah, yeah. And then the other thing is being scared of failing. That’s the other part—people are scared of failing. If I make that bold statement or bold move, what if I fail? And that’s even committing, like you said, to going all in to a relationship. You’ve got to be willing, like you were, for it to go either way. You can’t be—and I think a lot of times people think, well, if I go all in and then it doesn’t work out, then I’m going to be disappointed. That’s where you make a conscious decision and choose that, “Hey, I’m already halfway out anyway. I go all in, and if it doesn’t end up working out, then, you know, it hurts, but I can move on in a conscious way.” Or if it does work out, then, wow, you know, we don’t spend another three years in a halfway relationship.

Makena:
Yeah. And the difference being, you know, when I—I really see that that relationship story of going all in for me set the tone, because I had done that once. Then, when I met Sonny—I wrote about this in the book—it was so funny because I wasn’t even the one to bring up all in. He was on, I think, our third date or something, driving in my neighborhood. We get to this stop sign. We stop. He turns to me and he says, “I don’t really know what this is yet, but I just want you to know that I’m all in.”

Gigi
Wow.

Makena:
I was like—a deer in the headlights. Of course it’s what you want to hear when you really like someone, you feel that, but for someone to be so bold about that so early on—I mean, we were both very clear we were looking for our life partner. I think we both knew very quickly that this felt like that. But still, for him to immediately go in that way was such a—and that became one of the core pillars and foundational principles in our relationship, is that we are all in. We don’t do the one foot out the door. We don’t play the games of, if you do this, then I’m going to leave, or, you know, on any level. And so it creates so much safety in the relationship. And it’s not to say that if truly the relationship wasn’t right anymore or something like that, then it’s all out, you know? It’s like all in or all out, but not sitting in the in-between and not also using that as a way to manipulate the relationship, if that makes sense.

Gigi
People do use it as a manipulative tool, and a lot of times, even just unconsciously, we’re not even aware that we’re doing it.

Makena:
Absolutely.

Gigi
Yeah. And people use this in other areas too, right?

Makena:
Yeah, or business. I would say the all in or all out in business is a really interesting one because— I have another personal story about this. The first time that I went for starting a coaching business was 2017, before you had really supported me and walked me through some pivotal things in me really stepping into coaching. But I was going for it. I was like, I’m going to start this coaching business and I’m going to do this. And I started putting myself out there, and I did get one client, but didn’t really know what I was doing, didn’t have much of a plan. Within a couple of months, I wasn’t making enough money and had to go back to my marketing business. I would have told you at that time that I was all in. So that’s the interesting thing. But when, a year later, you really walked me through the process that we call the Soul Reveal—I’ll definitely write about that in the book, this powerful process in Costa Rica that we’ve talked about in some of our earlier podcast episodes—I really saw, I really want to do this and there’s no turning back. That was really the burn the bridges moment. I still had to make the transition. I didn’t just leap out of my marketing business into coaching, but it was really, I will do whatever it takes to make this change. There was such a level of decision in that and such determination and a burning of the bridges in the sense of, there’s no other choice. It was such a different experience. Only in contrast could I tell you what the difference was, because I looked back and went, I wasn’t really all in that first time. I was going for it, yes, I was taking actions, but ultimately, when the going got a little tough, I got scared and I bolted back the other direction. We do see this in business a lot, where people think they’re all in, and they say, “Well, I’m doing the things and I’m taking the actions.” But when it comes down to it and things get challenging, they want to back off, basically.

Gigi
And there’s some quote—if it’s going to be, it’s going to be because of me. Or maybe I just made that up.

Makena:
I mean, I like it, it rhymes.

Gigi
But it is around—That’s where I always work with people, again, on intent also. Being all in, in such a way that, you know, there’s no choice. There’s no choice.

Makena:
Yeah, absolutely.

Gigi
I have so many stories through my development and how I learned, which are crazy stories, but doing things that were just insane to learn the process of how to have this kind of intent: flying to cities where I knew one person, putting together workshops out of nothing, and not leaving until I had a workshop together and could lead a workshop. So I learned that, absolutely, how my will and me finally making a decision and then taking action to make it happen—if it was going to be, it was going to be because of me. And I really went for it. And that’s what we’re talking about here.

Makena:
We’ll link the episode in the show notes, too, about the power of intent, because I think that’s a really related episode that keeps coming up. So cultivating that in yourself, like you said, is such a key part of being all in and making that decision. And it is making the decision that failure is not an option, basically. How many stories have we all heard of very successful people who got “no” again and again and again? The famous one I think is Disney. I believe he got dozens of no’s before he finally got a yes. I can’t remember if it was to building Disneyland or what it was, or maybe it was just making Mickey Mouse—I can’t remember. But anyway, we hear these stories and we go, oh, that’s so inspiring. But when it comes down to it for ourselves, we get a little rejection or a little sense of something might not work out, and we get scared. We want to—and that’s human nature. But at the same time, what we’re talking about is, truly, decision making is, that’s not an option. I keep going until I succeed.

Gigi
Yeah. Sometimes the thing you’re working on doesn’t work out, but it opens the door to the next thing. I love the story—I was going to share this in our mastermind—about the woman who created Poo-Pourri, you know, the smell spray. Her thing was that she actually went bankrupt in two different businesses, but she was excited about business, was determined. She took a sabbatical, decided to take a sabbatical, and came up with this idea that ended up making her—I think she’s in the hundreds of millions of dollars now—for a little bottle spray of this stuff. But you look at her—she was always all in at whatever she did, and she kept going no matter what, you know, and that’s part of it: not giving up.

Makena:
That’s why we often tell people, if you’re not ready to do that in a business, take a project, right? We talk about that on the podcast a lot—take a project that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. You can go all in on that project, or all in for a certain period of time, even if you’re not ready to fully commit to, “Okay, I’m going to go in this direction,” or start this business or whatever it might be. But like you said, I think it’s such an important point that going all in, even if you try and try and try and it keeps not working out, will usually lead to the next thing. It will. Something will open up there, and you will also cultivate something in yourself from not giving up.

Gigi
Yeah.

Makena:
A confidence, a determination, a level of intent. You will learn so much. At the end, it’s not a failure. You learned so much; you saw what wasn’t right for you, whatever it was that was meant to be there. Often the next idea will spark or you’ll have met somebody or something will happen there to lead you into what you’re really meant to be doing.

Gigi
That’s what I’m seeing. And then you create your reality. So you’re not a victim to the circumstances. You’re stepping up into being the creator or the crafter of your life, your business, or your relationship—whatever it is. You really own it. You own the responsibility.

Makena:
Yeah, yeah. And again, we’ve talked about relationship, we’ve talked about finding a relationship, we’ve talked about business. This can show up in any part of your life. Maybe you’ve been saying you want to get in shape, and you’ve been dabbling in some things—or get your health on track or whatever that might be—and you’ve been dabbling, but when it comes down to it, you haven’t fully made the decision. You haven’t said, “There’s no other option. This is going to happen. It’s just a matter of how,” and trying things until you find the right thing, or getting the support that you need. So really, anywhere in your life that you’re not getting the result that you want, I think it’s a really powerful question: Am I all in? 

Or, like we tell people, you can also go all out and decide that now is not the time to pursue that thing. You can say, “I’m not really that committed to getting in shape right now. I keep saying I want to do it, but the truth is, it’s not my top priority right now.” What a relief to set that aside and just go, I’ll pick that up again at another time when I really am ready to go all in. So that’s the other piece of this too: are you all in, or can you be all out for the time being?

Gigi
And that choice, again, is when you are not using up your mental bandwidth there, going, “I should be working out,” or “I should be doing this, I should be…” you know, and just draining your energy every day. When you make a decision, like you said, “No, I’m putting that on hold for now”—what I love doing with that is saying, okay, that’s going to be in my month three or whatever. You can literally—

Makena:
Put it on your calendar.

Gigi
Yeah, you can put it on your calendar for three months from now to look again and go, “Okay, am I ready to go all in on my fitness at this point?” Or whatever it is, right? That way, you don’t forget and you’re not going to indefinitely put it off. But yeah, I think that’s such a great one. The question here is for people to really ask themselves: Where are those areas in your life? You may have seen something through the stories we’ve shared, or you may see a different area where you have one foot in and one foot out, you’re kind of hanging out in the in-between space, or where you’re not getting the results you want. Can you look deeper and be really, really honest with yourself about—are you all in, truly, like no matter what? And then the other question you asked today, Gigi, that I think was really great is, what am I—what was it—what am I done with?

Gigi
Yeah, what am I done with? That’s the other thing: when am I finished, what am I done with, what is—are there things in my life, are there places where I need to set boundaries? 

Because that’s what the healer told me too, is setting up boundaries. That’s basically where you’re done with certain things. You’re not going to allow these types of relationships or these types of situations or ways that you’re being. You finally make a decision to stop—to absolutely stop it.

Makena:
Yeah. So that’s our topic for today—the power of decision versus, you know, choosing something is great, but this is a different level of all in or all out.

Gigi
And an interesting question to close the loop is, are you all in? And if you see that you’re not and you go, you know, hey, I really do want to be all in, then the question would be, what could you or would you or should you do differently to be all in?

Makena:
What decision would that be? What would you be doing differently?

Gigi
Yeah. What would you be doing differently, or is there a way you’d be being? So in that, make a clear decision on that too.

Makena:
Yeah, I love that. All right, thank you for sharing your fun Bali story with us.

Gigi
Yeah, you’re welcome.

Makena:
And thank you all for listening. If this was powerful for you, please share it with someone in your life you think would get value out of it. We love, love, love when you share, and just thank you for being a loyal listener. Please subscribe and rate, and we’ll see you in the next episode.

Gigi
Bye.