The Anti-Assertive Method to Asking for What You Want

Gigi: Welcome. Welcome, everyone. Hi, Makena. Welcome to the Way of the Muse podcast. Excited to be here today. This is a great topic. You want to share with them what we’re talking about today, Makena?

Makena: Yes. Yeah, so we’re talking about the anti-assertive method. It’s asking for what you want. There’s a lot of talk out there about being assertive, and we’re going to talk about how this can actually work against you sometimes. 

There’s a time and a place, I think, for assertiveness, but it can also work against you in communication. Why does this create resistance? Why does this sort of slow things down when it comes to really getting the result you want? We see this a lot in very successful women. Right, Makena?

Gigi: Yeah, yeah. A lot of leadership—I think women are taught to be assertive, and like I said, there is a time and place for it. You definitely have to get in there and be willing to ask for what you want. But if it’s your only approach, I think there ends up being pushback.

Makena: Yeah. So can you talk a little bit more about that? What about assertiveness in the traditional sense of the word can create a challenge or just not get women quite— and we’re talking women, it could be anybody, but generalization here. We work mostly with women in this context. So, what is it that comes up here that doesn’t work?

Gigi: Well, the issue is, a lot of times with assertiveness, is there—if you think about assertive energy, and if you think about the energy behind it, it’s usually kind of a bit of a forceful energy because we’re going in with, “I’m going to get what I want here.” Right? 

So, there is a tendency to feel almost like it’s combative, and a lot of times that’s not the intent of the person. Then the other thing is, we often will say what we don’t want instead of clearly asking for what we want. 

So in that, again, it creates this pushback with people in conflict often—or just defensiveness. People get defensive.

Makena: I guess my question is: who listening to this episode, if someone’s not sure if this applies to them, how would they know? So, they’re successful, maybe they think their approach is mostly working for them, but how do you help someone see, like, hey, maybe there’s an approach that could work better, or what are the kinds of things they might be running into if they are being assertive, but it’s not quite working as well as it could be? You know what I’m asking?

Gigi: Well, I mean, a lot of times, especially for women, when I talk with them, that’s really been what’s gotten them ahead. They’ve gotten ahead by being very direct, very assertive. It’s worked to some degree. But what happens again is maybe they notice they get pushback in the relationships a lot, both at work and at home. 

And also, do people kind of skirt around you or withdraw when you start to ask them things because it’s just become a habit? I’ve worked—which we’ve talked about many times—but I worked in several large corporations and went in and really taught women the skills of how to be more receptive in their communication and asking for what they want instead of just being so assertive. 

What we found is a lot of these women had—they became successful, they were senior VPs like in JP Morgan Chase, and they had gotten there by this forceful energy. But what they found is that the quality of their leadership and the way they enjoyed their work—they were suffering a lot, and they did notice they were constantly, over time, getting a lot more pushback.

And then the other thing is when they left work and went home, they were using the same approach at home. Their partners would really push back, they would be upset because they’re coming in with this assertive, kind of masculine energy—basically what it is—and they couldn’t turn it off when they got home. 

So, this ends up, over time, just becoming a problem. It’s like it’s one option, and you know me and my work, I always talk about—you’ve got to have both options. You’ve got to have that more masculine and also the more feminine approach, which is our anti-assertive method here, right?

Makena: Or it’s maybe an integrated approach is what I usually see with a lot of your communication skills. It integrates both sides.

So I know there’s three key distinctions we want to make here. Three key shifts that people can make to ask for what they want in a different way and get better results. What’s the first one?

Gigi: The first is to acknowledge before you make a request. I always share this with people: go in, instead of jumping straight into what you want from someone, start by acknowledging what they do really well. You need to be specific and really look and see how they’ve contributed to your life. Or if this is a boss at work, what is it you really admire about your boss, and what do you feel great about that you’re learning from him or her? 

If you start the conversation like that—and this is not to manipulate, because that’s what people say, “Oh, that’s a great manipulation tactic.” It’s not to manipulate. It’s to build rapport in the conversation and to also verbally put into words something that you probably think all the time. When you do that, you immediately build a strong connection. From there, you can go to the next step, which we can talk about in a minute.

Some examples of that are, in a team example, you can say something like, “Listen, when you got me that outline a day ahead of time before the meeting without me having to ask, it made such a difference in my ability and the way I showed up in the meeting.” You can even take it further and say, “So, we closed that deal, and I really want to tell you how much I appreciate because you were the reason, because I was super well prepared.” So, in that, the person feels like, wow, I feel really great about this. The other thing is they learn something, and they learned that when they got it to you earlier, it really was a success. So, what do you think they’re probably going to do in the future?

Makena: Get it to you early again?

Gigi: Yeah, exactly. And a relationship example is, “I really appreciate you cleaning up the kitchen the other night, and I could get right to sleep so I could be fresh and well prepared for my morning meeting.” Again, how many times do we think these things, like, oh, so appreciate they did that, but we don’t say it? When you say it, it just starts to build rapport. And then a family example is, “I really noticed you’ve been stepping up and helping out more lately with your little brother and it’s been a huge help. Thank you so much.” 

All of these different ways of communicating, they start to build a bridge in our relationships. Pransky, a relationship coach—well, I think he’s a psychiatrist—talks about practicing good feelings. This is basically a way to really start to build your relationships with using your communication to practice good feelings here.

Makena: Yeah, and like you said, each of those was very specific. I think that’s something unique about what you’re describing here as an acknowledgement, to think of something really specific and how it contributed for you. That’s so different than a general, “Oh, you did great today,” or, “you did great on that.” I love that. 

We’ve talked about the skill before—I think we have a podcast episode on acknowledgement, which we can link in the show notes. If I’m right about that, it’ll be in the show notes. But it’s such a powerful skill, and people think, “Oh, it doesn’t matter that much” or “It’s not going to make that much of a difference,” and they’re always amazed, right?

They are amazed. They come back to us and they’re just like, “Oh my goodness, this changed everything.”

Gigi: This one thing, one little thing. This is where I get—also, in relationships with couples, just little patterns of communication start to make huge changes. Huge, huge, huge changes. I just can’t even—yeah, how important it is to learn these things.

Makena: Absolutely. So that’s number one—acknowledge people first. What would be the second sort of step to this anti-assertive method?

Gigi: The second is to make clear requests instead of complaints or commands. Start to look at and focus on: what is it you want? What do you want, not what you don’t want? The habit and pattern of communication is people naturally fall to sharing what they don’t want and then asking for what they want. Again, the minute you start saying what you don’t want, most people check out. So that shift is huge.

Another example of that in business: instead of “Why haven’t you followed up with that client?”—we’ve talked about this before—it’s, “Could we set up a system where you send follow-up emails within 24 hours? Or what do you see that could work here?” And again, going to the person—if they’re actually doing the job—and asking them, “What do you see would work here in the future so it’s a natural thing for you?” Then you don’t have to think about it. We set up a system that really works.

Gigi: Yeah. And then—did you have a question, Makena, or something?

Makena: No, I think that’s great. Yeah, giving some examples of what we would normally probably say versus what a better approach might be.

Gigi: Yeah. And then a relationship example is, “We never spend enough time together.” This one could be, “I’d love to go to that new sushi restaurant on Thursday night. Do you want to go? I’ll make the reservation.” Again, the difference in the energy of those two things is: one is, you’re on my team, and one definitely has a good feeling to it. The other one feels like it’s a problem and you’re complaining.

Makena: I just want you all to know that in the outline, it said Italian restaurant. Did you change it to sushi because she doesn’t like Italian food very much? I love Italian food. We know who outlined this podcast—it’s Gigi’s content. But, yeah, I put the food in there.

Gigi: I was thinking of, like, pizza or something. I was like, I’m not going to go get pizza, so I’d like to go to a nice sushi restaurant.

Makena: So, yeah. But I think a lot of women—or men, too, probably—do say things like, “Oh, we don’t spend enough time together,” or, “Oh, no,” we just complain about the thing. You’re saying, really, just what is it you want there? “I’d love to go out to dinner with you, could we do that this weekend?” or something like that. So that’s a great one. What about family? You had made a family example earlier.

Gigi: Yeah, yeah. So family is, instead of complaining—”Just put your phone away. You’re always on your phone.” How many times do you hear people say that these days? “You’re always on your phone, why don’t you just put your phone away?” Well, that’s asking, but that’s complaining, right? Instead of making a request: “Hey, let’s all put our phones away before dinner so we can really have some quality time together. 

We can put them in a bowl here, and then after dinner everyone picks them back up and you can go out on your phone.” Again, that’s a request and it feels collaborative. It feels like something that we all want to do, either as you and your partner, or family situation, where everybody can buy into that.

Makena: Yeah, absolutely. So step one, again just to repeat, was acknowledge before you go into anything. Step two was to really make a clear request instead of a complaint or a command. “Put your phone away,” is a command, right? It’s assertive—”I’m just going to say what I want,” or something like that. Whereas, “we never spend time together” with your partner is more of a complaint. We’re giving you different ways this could show up in your habitual patterns of communication. Most of the time, we’re not aware of how we’re coming across to people, so it is to kind of take that step back and go, wait, am I complaining, or am I just kind of commanding or demanding? If so, how could I make a clear request instead?

And then what’s the third part of the anti-assertive method?

Gigi: The third part is: share what’s true. It’s so interesting to me, always, that we have such a difficult time doing this. We use so many other ways of communicating—complaining, blaming—instead of just getting vulnerable and really sharing what’s on our heart. What is it that we want here? There’s so much power when you do that. Again, this is one of these areas that people go, “Oh my gosh, why didn’t I do that twelve years ago?”

Some examples I can give you. Again, the first one in business: if you have a potential client that you’d like to work with, you can just say—I do this all the time, I did this for years—”I’d love to work with you. I see you have so much potential in you and would love to support you to make your visions and goals happen.” Instead of me having to go through a lot of trying to explain to you or tell you all these different things, I just come from a place of truth—because that’s true. In that, the person has a choice. They either go with it or they don’t. It just simplifies things hugely.

Makena: Yeah, you really taught me that one. I think that’s such a powerful one—just being honest. You really see it—someone you’d love to work with: “I’d love to work with you, and this is why.” Or even in a job interview, “I would really love this job.” If that’s true and authentic and you share why, there’s something people can feel. I think what’s great about this third point of “share what’s true” is people can feel truth.

If you’re just authentic and you just say what’s true or what’s on your heart, like you said, people can feel that and it transmits something to them—so much more than having the right thing to say.

Gigi: Yeah, exactly. The second example, which again just sounds so simple but we forget to say it, is, “I miss you and I’d love to spend some time together. How can we do that?” But not “I miss you” like in a complaining way—just really heartfelt like, “I miss you. I miss being with you. I love when we spend time together. How can we make some time together?”

Makena: Yeah, so in relationship, or in a friendship, or something like that.

Gigi: Yeah. And then a family example, if it’s with a child and they’re not doing their homework and it’s constantly a frustration, you can say, “I feel really stressed when your homework’s not turned in on time. Do you have any idea how we could do this differently from here on out? Because I don’t like—” and here’s what I would say too is, “I don’t like having to pester you, and I know you don’t like it. What system could we set up here to where I don’t have to do that anymore?” 

Often the child will come up with a system immediately, and then they own it. You’re not telling them what to do.

Makena: Yeah, and the truth-speaking part of that is just, “It’s really stressful, I feel stressed when this happens.” Again, instead of trying to be the parent and say, “Well, you should da da da,” or whatever, it’s just, “Hey, this is how this feels, what could we do differently?” I think that’s really powerful.

So three steps here—pretty simple at a high level, but not always easy when we’re implementing them. 

One: acknowledge before you make a request; 

two: make a clear request instead of a complaint or a command; 

and three: really just share what’s true. 

I’m curious, because we kind of opened up talking about assertiveness—why does this approach work better than what might traditionally be called assertiveness?

Gigi: It creates collaboration instead of resistance. You’re collaborating with people, you’re involving them, you’re talking to them, instead of just going in and stating what you want. Again, you’re making requests without pressure, complaints, or demands. You’re not commanding people. 

People are going to be much more open, more open to helping you get what you want and to doing what you’re asking. Then the truth connects, like we talked about. The vulnerability and just stating what’s actually true—when this happens, I feel disconnected or whatever—it doesn’t make people wrong. You’re not pointing the finger at anyone, you’re sharing what’s true for you. You’re coming from that place of authenticity, and that really, really connects with people.

Makena: Yeah, absolutely. So for those of you listening—real-life application—how do you actually go out and apply this? We’ve turned each one of these steps into a question that you can ask yourself. You could write these down if you want. 

One of them is: In whatever dynamic you want to be having this communication, how has that person contributed to your life lately? Be specific—really think of something specific that you can acknowledge them for. 

Secondly: What is the result that you want? What result do I want in this request? What is it that I would love to have here? Again—not a complaint, not a command—but just what would I love here? 

And then third is: What is my vulnerable truth? Is there a vulnerable truth? There may not always be, but sometimes it is just to say the truth of how you’re feeling or what’s going on for you, and that can be really, really powerful as well. 

So three questions there, and it’s great to just think about, again, like we always say, pick one relationship where you’ve been complaining or you’ve been making commands or you’ve been super assertive, whether it’s at home or at work, and then ask yourself those three questions and really try it on. 

Try this method and see how it goes. Right, Gigi? That’s always what you say.

Gigi: Yeah, you got to try it—and then try it again. Don’t give up the first time if it doesn’t work. Get in there and practice at least 30 or 60 days.

Makena: Yeah. Anything else you want to share with women who are super high-powered, maybe working in their jobs, or they’ve been assertive all this time? Is there anything else you hear from them, just before we wrap for today, that you think we haven’t covered yet?

Gigi: Just that I think the shift feels uncomfortable because when you’re being assertive, there’s a sense of being in control. When people start to shift their communication to being more receptive, I think a lot of times they feel like they’re losing control. But again, that’s not—you’re not in control when you’re assertive at all. 

But the feeling is in the body, right? This action. Being receptive feels a little bit like, “Oh my God, more yin, more—” Just to start to practice it. I would say practice it at home first, because that’s a great place to play around with it, and then start to practice it on different relationships at work, one at a time, and just start to notice the results. 

Because practice does make more perfection on this one. If you haven’t been doing it and you’ve been assertive for a long time, it is going to feel uncomfortable at first. But trust me, I’ve taught thousands—tens of thousands—of people this, and it makes not just a little change, but a massive change, often, when you start to shift this.

Makena: What is the change that happens?

Gigi: The change that happens is there becomes more ease in your life, and you get more of what you want—without a lot of effort. In business, so many times with women, I’ve showed them, and when they started to feel they’re not controlling everything, what they see is people step up to help them. 

People listen in such a way, and people start working with them. Like we talked about, they start collaborating in such a way that they want to get in and help you solve those problems because now you’ll actually listen. You’re not just there with your assertive, and what you want, you’re actually in there interested and people sense and feel that. It definitely starts to change the culture in a company, and in a family dynamic, we can tell you—client after client says, “Oh my gosh, now my kids are helping out, now they’re actually creating ideas.” They feel heard and they feel included.

Makena: Yeah, it’s not that top down sort of hierarchy, power-over approach. It’s really working together while still getting the result that you want most of the time, or maybe even collaborating and figuring out a better result with the other person. Well, thank you for sharing your communication wisdom. 

There’s so much gold in this episode. I’m really excited to share this with everyone. If you have someone in your life that you think would get value from this, please share the episode with them. On whatever platform you listen on, there’s usually a share button, so you can just copy that right there and send it to them. That really helps us get the word out. It’s also just a great way to add value to other people’s lives if you think of someone when you’re listening. I think that’s it for today. Thank you.

Gigi: If you love this episode, please, please, like I said, share it—but also, what do we do? We star it, right? Rate, review it and review it.

Makena: I like just hearing you say, “star it,” always and, like, comment on it. We’ve got all kinds of things. Whatever you can do.

Gigi: Whatever you can do, do it.

Makena: Yeah. Look at your little platform. Well, every podcast, every podcast platform is different. If you’re on Spotify, I think it’s—you can come—I don’t know.

There’s lots of ratings, definitely rating every year. If you’re not liking it.

Gigi: Yeah. All right, everyone. We’ll see you next time. Bye.

Makena: Bye.

Gigi: Bye.