For the Empaths & Deep Feelers: How to Stay Open without Absorbing Everything

Makena: Hello everyone. This episode is for the empaths and the deep feelers. This is something I really relate to. This is Makena, by the way, doing my first solo podcast episode in a while. 

I know how intense it can be to feel so much. If you’re the kind of person who feels other people’s emotions in your body, or you leave conversations feeling heavy or drained, or like you’re carrying something that isn’t yours, this episode is really for you.

Or maybe you find that you can’t watch the news or scroll through social media without it deeply affecting you and your nervous system. I think this is true on some level for everyone, but some of us experience it more intensely. 

The question is: how do you stay open in your energy and emotions, but not absorb everything? How do you avoid taking everything on—because it’s not yours to take?

You want to stay open, keep your heart open, be caring, but not have this heaviness, whether it shows up physically or emotionally. That’s what I really want to talk about today. 

This can be about people who are close to you—maybe your partner, family members, friends, or even clients, especially those of you in coaching or healing professions. How do you stay connected to people and really keep your heart open, but not take on their stress or emotions? Or it could be about the broader community or world—how do you stay informed and compassionate without feeling totally wrecked by what’s going on?

We want to talk about releasing tension, releasing emotion, coming back into yourself, and feeling safer to be sensitive again because your sensitivity is actually a gift. Your empathy is a gift.

A little bit about my story and why I care so much about this: I would definitely consider myself an empath. Even as a kid, I remember feeling like there was just so much energy coming at me all the time. I didn’t consciously have this thought, but when I think back to being a child, I realize I was feeling so many things that weren’t even mine. It often came in and felt like energy entering my body. 

Most of my stuff shows up physically, so I might have headaches, tension in my body, or things like that. Of course, some of that was my own, but a lot of it was not. I also just knew things without being told, like experiences I’d never had or things about people—information that was really helpful and beautiful, but I had no idea how to utilize or process it.

I coped by doing two things. First, I would tense and brace my body because I was trying to protect myself against everything I was feeling. So I developed a pattern of carrying a lot of tension—tight shoulders, tight jaw, just tension. 

The other thing I would do, especially when things got intense, was to dissociate. I’d leave my body, or my consciousness would go up into my head and disconnect from awareness of the rest of my body.

To be frank, these are things I’ve struggled with to this day, but I’ve come a long way in learning to release that tension, not brace so much, and how to be more present in my body. 

I’m really speaking from the place not of someone who has it all figured out, but someone who has grappled with these things and really saw empathy and sensitivity as almost a curse for a very long time. I’ve spent years shifting my perspective and creating a new relationship with myself, my body, and my awareness. Now I experience them mostly as gifts.

It took me a long time to get there, to come back into my body, to turn back on some of my sensitivity in a healthier way. I was taking on a lot of stuff that wasn’t mine. 

This episode is about what I have learned and want to share with you, because maybe you’re somewhere on this journey yourself—maybe early on and still bracing or disassociating, or maybe further along. Hopefully, you’ll take away something today to help clear your energy field, release tension, and get more present and embodied. That’s my wish for you.

I want to give a quick reframe on boundaries because the word ‘boundaries’ implies there’s a wall around you. If people say, “you need better boundaries”—which is true, and I use that language sometimes—but as an empath, part of our gift is feeling. There’s information and healing that comes with that. The goal isn’t to shut yourself down or put up a wall. 

To me, it’s to create a semi-permeable membrane—does anyone remember that term from high school biology? A semi-permeable membrane, like a cell wall, allows certain things in and keeps others out.

I think about this all the time, imagining we’re surrounded by this membrane that allows only in what we allow and only out what we allow. We want to allow in love and feeling, but not too much heaviness or anything that’s not ours to really feel and transmute.

A core idea is not to be afraid of feeling—just to be more selective about what you decide to really go in and feel fully. 

If it’s your emotion or experience, it’s there to be felt. That’s the first distinction: if it’s yours, fully let yourself feel it. We’re here to feel all of it—good and not so good. By allowing ourselves to feel, it can move through us. For empaths and deep feelers, get into a practice of allowing yourself to feel more, especially if it is yours.

For example, when you see or read something and it affects you, sometimes you want to let yourself really feel it for five minutes—set a timer, let yourself fall apart, feel all the awful feelings, or all the joyous feelings. If you fully let yourself go into those feelings, they will shift. It may not go away magically in five minutes, but it will change. 

There’s something interesting about emotions: the word ’emotion’ itself is energy in motion. When you feel a feeling as deeply as you can, research shows you can’t feel it for longer than thirty seconds or a minute without it changing. It may not dissipate completely, but it will shift. 

Most of the time, we walk around trying not to feel things, but what if you gave yourself permission—just five minutes a day—to feel something fully?

How would that change your relationship to your sensitivity? 

I don’t recommend doing this all the time for things going on in the world or other people, but if it’s your own feeling about the world or someone else, it might be worth feeling. 

Before you do the exercise, ask, “What is mine? What is not mine?” Anything that is not yours, release it. Imagine as you exhale that you’re releasing any energy or emotion that does not belong to you. Anything that remains—feel it fully and let it move through you.

Some ways to shift your relationship to being an empath and deep feeler: think differently about boundaries and see this membrane (or golden screen) surrounding your body. Sometimes I mentally reinforce that screen and decide what comes in and out. I don’t imagine a wall. I’m setting the tone and container for what gets to come in and out.

Feel things fully—re-establish a connection to your feelings, even physical feelings like pain. If there’s pain in your body, instead of avoiding it or numbing it, feel it fully for a few minutes. When I was pregnant, I had headaches and migraines every day for months and couldn’t take anything for it. I would sit in a dark room and just feel the pain. If I sat with it and relaxed into feeling it, as difficult as it was, it would start to change.

A couple things for you to start with: the golden screen is a way to stay open. When I’m coaching or having a hard conversation, I imagine it around me so I can keep my heart open. I see love going back and forth, I allow myself to feel but not take anything on. Someone taught me another tool: a trash bag. Imagine there’s a trash bag hanging in the air, and anything not meant for you, or that doesn’t serve you, can go into the trash bag while you stay present with the person.

Those are some energetic and imagination tools. 

In general, the way I’ve learned to integrate more of this is using breath, sound, and movement.

Breath is number one. You can use breath in so many ways—it’s so powerful. Consciously take a moment, even just do a sigh. There’s something called a physiological sigh: breathe deeply in through your nose, then inhale a little more at the top, and slowly exhale through your mouth. That’s one thing. The breath I use most is what I call Santa breath—like “ho ho ho,” which helps me remember the sound I’m supposed to make. Breathe in deeply through your nose, and as you exhale, make an “ahh” sound. Do at least three in a row. Even just in that moment, I get so peaceful I forget I’m recording a podcast.

Santa breaths—learned from a great bodyworker and healer—downregulate your nervous system. If you do at least three in a row anytime throughout your day, whenever you start to feel stressed or things are coming up, it’s super powerful for calming your nervous system. When your nervous system is in that parasympathetic state, you’re more resourced, so you can feel things without being thrown off center.

You can use breath as an imagination tool, too—imagine breathing in your own energy and breathing out anything that doesn’t belong to you.

Next is sound. Humming is a powerful tool for regulating the nervous system. Hum a song you like—it’s healing and soothing. 

Another thing: make noises. This feels edgy for most people, but my husband will tell you—I make sounds all the time, expressing whatever I’m feeling. He’ll ask, “What’s the sound of the anger?”—and I’ll make that sound. I get into my feelings and just express them with whatever sound wants to come through. They often don’t sound good—it’s a “blah” or “uh,” but I allow myself to use sound to move the energy.

Third is movement. Moving your body—Tony Robbins is well-known for talking about changing your state. Breath, sound, movement, imagination—all these can change your state. He particularly focuses on movement—shake your whole body out, clap your hands against your body, tools from qigong. Go for a walk or run. These are ways of moving energy through you.

As an empath or deep feeler, it’s paramount that you learn some tools and find ones that work for you. Try different things—Santa breaths, shaking it out, going for walks, humming, making non-pretty sounds—all helpful for moving energy through. Learn practices to regulate your nervous system so you can hold more, and then choose what you want to feel, what’s yours, but not take on what isn’t.

Just ask yourself: is this mine? Is this mine to feel and transmute? Do I want to allow this to move through me? Am I willing to, or is it not mine to feel?

I’ve given you a lot in a short window of time, but wanted to keep this short and sweet—just a sampling of things you can try to stay open without absorbing everything, without loading yourself up with what’s not yours. 

Boundaries are important, but they don’t mean what we thought—they can let things in and out. If we don’t feel, we cut ourselves off from our gift. 

As an empath or deep feeler, you have a gift. Human beings all have it to some degree, and some more intensely than others.

Allowing yourself to open up even five or ten percent more to feeling will make a shift. Start to see it not as a curse or a bad thing, or “I’m just so sensitive.” Most empaths have a negative connotation—can you let that go and get curious about the gift in this for you? That’s my invitation.

When it comes to the news, there’s so much. Take it in doses—don’t stay connected all the time. Stay informed if it’s important, but limit it to a few minutes a day or a certain time, not right before bed. 

Make sure you’re regulated—I might do some Santa breaths before I open my phone to get calm, so I’m not thrown off by everything I see. 

Then I ask, “What is mine to do?” Is there action I want to take? People who are activists in their arena have much lower rates of depression because they feel they’re doing something about what’s happening in the world.

If there’s not an action, maybe it’s enough to be informed. 

Then ask, “What is mine to feel?” Do I have feelings about this I need to sit with and allow myself to feel fully so they can move, or do I just let it go and move on? 

These two questions can be really powerful. Keeping it in small doses is really helpful.

That’s what I have for you today. 

I hope you enjoyed it, and would love to hear what resonated. If any of this lands for you, email me at makena@wayofthemuse.com. 

And if you haven’t picked up our book yet, it just came out: The Wisdom That Raised Me: A Daughter’s Journey into Wholeness, Wisdom, and Womanhood, available on amazon.com and all Amazons around the world. 

I’ll be recording the audiobook soon, so that will come later. There are great exercises in the book. I hope you love it—it’s part story, part personal development. 

Please pick up your copy and give us a five-star rating and review on Amazon. Makes a huge difference for us. I look forward to seeing you in the next episode. Thank you!