Communication Secrets: Why Tone Matters More Than Words

Gigi: Hello, hello everyone. Hello. Hi Makena.

Makena: Hi. So we are just chatting because Gigi’s getting ready to go to Mexico to lead a retreat.

Gigi: Yes i am, a super fun one—the couples’ one, which is my favorite. I like the other ones too, but I love the topic. It’s the most fun to lead. Absolutely.

Makena: And it’s your birthday this weekend or something soon?

Gigi: Yes, on Sunday it is.

Makena: Yes, amazing. Happy birthday.

Gigi: Thank you. I know what I’m going to do.

Makena: I don’t know if I’m ready to sing on air for everybody.

Gigi: I know what I’m going to do for my birthday: swim with the turtles in Mexico.

Makena: Ooh, sounds so fun.

Gigi: Yeah, I’ve never done that, so I’m excited.

Makena: Wow, that’s going to be amazing. Like the big ones?

Gigi: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, cool.

Makena: So fun.

Gigi: Wow. Yeah.

Makena: That’s an experience.

Gigi: Mm-hmm.

Makena: Well, today we’re going to talk a little bit about tone. This is a communication episode, which is one of our favorite topics, as those of you who listen in frequently know, and one of Gigi’s areas of genius. 

So Gigi, you were telling me a little bit about tone and why it’s important. I think people know about it, but they don’t think it’s an issue for them. A lot of the time they’re like, “Oh, my tone’s fine.”

Gigi: Like we talked about a few minutes ago, over the last 40 years I’ve been working with people on their communication, and just how they come across. I know we did another podcast on impact. Like you said, a lot of times we have no idea about our tone unless, like for us, we’re doing a podcast and have a lot of recorded things that we listen back to. Even for me, a lot of times I hear my tone and I think, “Oh my gosh, it sounds a little serious.” 

Especially in our personal relationships, but also in business, how we communicate with people and how our tone comes across makes a huge difference in how people collaborate with us and how people feel when they’re with us, or when we’re asking them to do something. With kids, often you get upset and then you change your tone completely: “You go do this.” That tone has a different impact than if I say, “Hey, would you go do this?” 

The truth is, probably the lighter one would work as well as the more serious one. The more serious one gets their attention because there’s such a drastic difference, and they know that tone means I’m serious. Tone is an amazing thing with our voices, especially for people who speak. But like we said before, I don’t think people often know how they come across in their tone because it speaks so much when it comes to communication. It’s huge.

Makena: Yeah. And I think if you’re listening to this and you’re thinking, “I don’t know if this is really helpful for me or if I really need this,” it’s kind of like: Are you getting the results you want in your relationships, whether that’s with your partner, your kids, or anyone? Are you having the kind of communication or outcomes that you want? 

If you’re not, then this is one piece of the puzzle. It’s one thing to look at and ask, “Hmm, what is my tone? Could that be playing a role?” Gigi, I don’t think you said this yet. 

You were going to talk about dynamics with men and women, right? For men, it’s really important. Do you want to touch on that?

Gigi: Yes, it’s important for both. I’ve often heard men say that when women shift their tone to a more serious, “We need to talk,” men are like, “Oh no we don’t,” and want to move in a different direction because it sounds like confrontation. I was just reading one of the Gottman books, called “A Man’s Guide to…” do you know which it is?

Makena: I told you—”A Man’s Guide to Women,” or “A Man’s Guide to Understanding Women,” or something.

Gigi: Yes, something like that. He said the two things that bother men the most are fighting with women and not having enough sex. Those are the two things—they don’t want to fight as much, and they would love to have more sex. If you think about it, in the fighting, that has to do with tone, because I’ve seen that in my coaching many times—coaching couples, for example. On the women’s side, a woman will communicate in a certain way, with a more serious or adversarial tone, and the man just shuts down. But then, if she changes and makes it a request: “Hey, I’d love to talk about this,” instead of “We need to talk,” that different energy creates a completely different response.

Makena: Yes. And I think day to day, even beyond “we need to talk,” it’s just your tone in general when you’re with your partner. If I wake my husband up in the morning, it’s such a small difference for me to make the shift. If I’m busy because I’m up before him, and then I get him up and I’m just doing what I’m doing, I get one version of him. 

If I take two minutes, and I’m sweet and give him some kisses: “Oh baby, good morning,” and then share whatever I need to after he’s woken up a little bit—maybe five or ten minutes later—it’s a completely different version of him. And that lasts sometimes all day or at least for several hours, so that one small tweak, yes, takes me slowing down a little and changing my approach and tone, but it gets a completely different result.

Gigi: Yes, we’re so used to just being unconscious—just being. I’ve been going through a hard time and I’m overwhelmed, and I hear myself and see myself; sometimes I’m embarrassed, but I’m moving so fast, it feels like I can’t stop this boat. But I’m trying all the time to change things. I had an intense 24 hours because I thought I had lost my passport. I had to remind myself to lighten up; if I’ve lost my passport, I can go get a new one. Thank God. 

I think our tone, like you said, is present all through our day. Our tone also has to do with how we approach life, how we navigate the challenges in our life, and that shows up in our tone as well.

Makena: So we’re talking about tone of voice, but there’s also the energetic side—your energy coming through your voice. That’s one way our tone comes out in a way we don’t intend, or aren’t aware is having the wrong impact. 

Another way is just when people are unconscious and habitual with their tone. It can be either—you’re going through something and it’s showing up, perhaps with more seriousness, more intensity, or whatever your version of that is, or the habitual side of just never having thought about it. And how we come across.

Gigi: Yes. I often think if people were recorded, if we recorded ourselves to hear how we sound, we’d be shocked a lot of the time. Switching that around, I was talking about women’s tone, but it’s the same with men; sometimes when men are stressed, they have a much more aggressive tone, which for women feels like they’re not being listened to, or they can’t talk to their partner, or they’re being aggressive. 

Again, they’re just being who they’re being. Many people will say, “I don’t have time to change my tone,” but the truth is, it’s just a matter of practice. It’s being aware, and then practicing a different tone, or a different way you come across or approach people.

Makena: Could you give the example of “shut the door”?

Gigi: Yes. There’s an example—different ways you can say something and the tone. I can say, “Shut the door,” “Shut the door,” “Shut the door, please,” “Shut the door.” Each of those was a very different communication.

Makena: Yes, absolutely. So it’s an example of just saying the same words. It’s not about the words. There are many statistics out there—do you know, some huge amount of our communication is tone?

Gigi: Well, it’s about 30% of our communication that’s tone. It’s 93%—now, this was a study from a university in LA, and there’s been some pushback on this particular study, but according to it, 93% of our communication has nothing to do with words. It’s tone, how we move our hands, facial expression, body language. If you think about it—93%. And 30% is tone.

Makena: 30% tone. OK.

Gigi: Yes.

Makena: Fascinating. There you have it about how you’re coming across. 

Your tone, your energy, is a huge, huge part of it. It starts with awareness.

It’s interesting you said if people recorded themselves. I was listening to the audiobook the other day, “Hunt, Gather, Parent,” which is a really great book on parenting in tribal communities and societies and how people have parented through the millennia.

 She talks about how she recorded herself by accident—her phone was on in the kitchen. She recorded an hour of herself with her young daughter. Listening back later, she cried. She couldn’t believe how much she was telling her what to do, the way she was responding. She said it just woke her up. She encourages parents to actually do that—put on an audio recording a couple times when they’re just doing things with their kids. You can’t change what you’re doing, you have to act normally. 

Maybe do it a few times, because otherwise you’d be modifying. She said you’d be shocked at how many times you respond in a certain way or tell them what to do. I thought that was so interesting—she actually did record herself. And you were talking about AI, right? How AI talks back to you?

Gigi: Yes. My ChatGPT voice changed—the female voice used to be much more upbeat. Now, it’s more serious and a little slower and dry. I think it’s reflecting my voice when I talk to it. We have to change this up! Even if— I think AI is going to be a great reflection. Think about it: it’s just going to model what we do and then we’re going to see ourselves and go, “Wait a minute, there’s the mirror.”

Makena: Absolutely. But it’s interesting.

Gigi: I listen to my programs; like the Man Whisperer program I did, what, 16 years ago? The audio recording—I’ve listened to it a couple times, looking for content. My voice was so much lighter back then, the tone was much lighter.

Makena: Yes.

Gigi: That’s interesting.

Makena: Yes.

Gigi: Yes.

Makena: Interesting. A different time in our life.

Gigi: And a lot more Southern.

Makena: Really?

Gigi: Oh my gosh, you should hear it. In some old tapes I sound like this. It’s amazing how much my voice has changed.

Makena: That’s so funny. This has definitely been an area of learning for me because I have a long way to go with this, but I used to talk very flat most of the time—monotone, not really having much of what you call ups and downs, inflection or emotion. That started to change as I’ve gone into the kind of work we do, working with people, and you’ve reflected a lot to me over the years. 

Sometimes hearing myself on video or audio has helped me become more aware of that. Going beyond just tone in conversation with your partner or kids, that’s one representation. Another is just how we speak in general, and what’s the impact, or what’s the communication—how are we coming across to people, and what is that telling people about us? Which is interesting to think about. Is that what you want to be communicated through your voice, or do you want a different result?

Gigi: Yes. Like the lady who accidentally recorded herself talking to her daughter: when you hear yourself, when you change your tone, you also change your approach. Often, our tone comes with a certain way we approach situations. That’s where, in communication, maybe after we hear ourselves, we change the words we use or how we talk about things, because we get that reflection. She was probably talking to her daughter in a very serious way, almost bossing her around. So maybe her change would be that she’d begin to ask her questions instead, and practice being more curious instead of telling her what to do.

Makena: Or, as you said, it might wake you up to, “I’m being really serious in my tone right now—where am I being serious in my life, and how can I shift that? What changes do I want to make?” So it can inform other shifts, because then we’re receiving the impact of our own voices and tone. That’s interesting to think about. 

It made me think about all those studies where if you hold certain positions with your body, it actually changes your mind and even your biochemistry—different hormones come online and your confidence goes up or down, depending on your posture. If you slouch, or if you stand proud—that’s a common example. It completely changes your physiology. They say go in the bathroom before an important meeting and do the Superwoman stance, because it actually makes you have certain feelings and makes you feel more confident.

I wonder about that with tone too. When you take on a certain tone, we think, “Oh, that’s faking it,” but what if it actually changes things for you? What if you have a different experience as a result? That’s more a conjecture than a proven fact, but it’s interesting to think about.

Gigi: But it’s very true. When I stand, that’s why I love to stand and train—I become so much more animated, and my voice tone changes completely. I think it’s also because I’m standing, like you said, in my body. That’s always bothered me about being on Zoom—you’re sitting, and you don’t feel the energy flow, you don’t feel in your body. It’s very different. I stood in front of a room for so many years; that was how I conducted my voice, my energy. When I learned to train, I taught you this, you sit; you don’t speak loudly, you sit back and you speak to the wall in a very loud way. That’s using your voice and your tone.

Makena: Yes, coming from deeper inside yourself and projecting from that place, rather than—it’s almost like your voice is coming from your throat, or from outside of you, and projecting out, versus really dropping into your body and speaking louder from that place, or using emotion or energy with your voice from that place. That was a really powerful learning for me. For me, that was about not tiring my voice, which used to happen when we were coaching all day or recording. My voice would get tired by the end of the day. I don’t have that anymore since you taught me that.

Gigi: Yes.

Makena: A lot of different things to think about. 

Just to tie it together, how do people start to become aware of their tone?

Gigi: Listen to yourself. Just record yourself. That’s what people can take away. Record yourself one day just talking, talking to a friend, and listen. You’ll hear so much through that. Also start to be aware when you’re talking to your loved ones or children—how are you talking? What’s the tone? Would you like to be talked to like that? That’s another question—how would you feel if someone spoke to you like that? Often if you ask yourself that, you’ll realize, “I wouldn’t really like that. I wouldn’t respond well to that.”

Makena: Yes. Would you speak to a stranger that way, or someone you work with that way? That’s often the test. We make it so personal with our loved ones, but if you ask, “Would I speak to someone else this way? How would I speak to someone else?” that might help you change your tone.

Gigi: Yes. It’s a simple topic, but a very powerful topic.

Makena: Absolutely.

Gigi: It’s so subtle, but if you play around with it—maybe just choose one person to try it with, maybe your kids—and try it: instead of, “Go do this right now,” say, “Hey, would you go do that for me right now?” See what kind of response you get from that.

Makena: Yes. Just to close out, if you think about babies—I have a seven-month-old—it’s instantaneous. If you go up serious, they match your serious. If you go up and smile and laugh, we’re always doing that with babies. But why do we stop? Why do we change? Oh, because we think they’re going to reason with us. But it doesn’t matter what age we are, we’re all little babies inside. We all react to someone else’s energy and tone. All right, everyone, well, Gigi, happy birthday! Have a beautiful time at your retreat, and everyone else, have a fabulous start to your spring. It’s almost spring here next week, so happy spring!

Gigi: It starts on the 21st, first day of spring.

Makena: Yes—all right, see you all next time.

Gigi: Bye-bye! Thank you, bye!