Raising Daughters While Healing Ourselves

Makena: Hi everyone, welcome back.

Gigi: Hello, Makena. Hi. How’s San Diego weather?

Makena: Gorgeous. It’s going to be, I bet, 75 degrees today.

Gigi: Nice.

Makena: Nice.

Gigi: Yeah, here it’s about 80, I think.

Makena: Wow, getting a very warm winter there. Except for when you have snow and freezing, right? All over the place in Texas. Well, welcome back everyone. We are still in our launch month. 

In fact, we just launched last week our book, The Wisdom That Raised Me. Yay!

Gigi: Thank you to everyone who bought it. It’s amazing. Thank you, thank you.

Makena: We so appreciate it. It’s been so exciting.

Gigi: The topics are about mothers and daughters. I think we should share, too, Makena, how it is for you being a new mom.

Makena: How is it for me? I love it.

Of course, there are all kinds of challenges and ups and downs, but she’s so fun. We have a great time together. She’s so sweet, and I really love it. It’s been great. One of the posts I wrote, which I’ll put out this week on social media, is about birthing two babies in one year—a book and a baby. That’s right. Yeah, awesome. Absolutely.

Gigi: Do you want to share our topic today?

Makena: Yes, today we’re going to talk about raising daughters while healing ourselves. What does that look like when you are a mom raising a daughter or a son? It could apply to both, but we’ll focus more on mothers and daughters. 

I think there’s an expectation from kids, especially as they get older, that you should have it all figured out. That you’re the parent and you should have things together. That’s what we want to talk about today. Gigi, do you want to start us off? You’ve been a mom much longer than I have and you have five children.

Gigi: As you said, I think there’s this myth that moms, when you have a baby, are supposed to have it all figured out and know what to do. That’s why we have issues with our parents, because they don’t have it figured out. None of us have it figured out. 

Some people are more equipped, or at different stages in their lives, but a lot of times parents—mothers and fathers—they’re just doing the best they can. There’s a lot of pressure on mothers, since we’re focusing on that today, to make all the right decisions and know the right things to do. Often, we just have no idea. Most of us are still learning, healing, or evolving. I had my first baby when I was eighteen years old. Can you imagine?

Makena:Yeah.

Gigi: So I knew nothing at all and had to figure it out and do the best I could. No matter where you are, or at what age—because Makena, you’re having your first child many years later than I did, about twenty years later.

Makena: Yes, pretty much twenty years later. I was thinking about that as you were talking. The pressure is even higher now in some ways, because people often wait longer. Not everyone, but it’s more common now, and the idea is you should have it all figured out or have done all your healing so you can be this “perfect” parent. People put a lot of pressure on it these days—maybe even more than when you first raised your kids.

Gigi: Absolutely. Because we’ve done so much with personal development, and there’s a lot more consciousness around parenting. I think it’s amazing how we’ve evolved and how we can take that time now. The younger generation is so much more conscious about the way they raise their kids. But sometimes I see it as too much; it puts a lot of stress on both the parents and the child, thinking everything should work perfectly. 

We all know relationships, families, and life just don’t work like that. The pressure of wanting to get it right—especially in the younger generation—they read so much and try to do everything by the book. Sometimes I think we should just throw the books away.

Makena: It’s definitely stressful. I haven’t even read any books, but there’s so much information from Instagram and people talking. I purposefully did not read the books, but you still get inundated.

Gigi: I don’t want to say the books are bad; there’s a lot of great information out there and awesome parenting books. But you have to just get in there and try. My kids always ask me, “What did you do? How do you know how to do it?” I just did it, because I didn’t have a choice. I think it’s important to take the pressure off everyone.

Makena: I have to remember that all the time. Mothers—how can you let go of the pressure of getting it right, no matter what age your kids are? Whether they’re young or grown, that pressure is there. Sometimes as they get older, pressure starts to come from the kids. 

That’s important to be aware of, if that’s happening. See if you can let yourself off the hook. For daughters, that’s something Gigi and I have really talked about and mention in our book: how can you let your mom off the hook? If you are a grown woman listening and you’re holding a lot of stuff with your mom, it doesn’t mean you condone or forgive everything necessarily.

Gigi:
That’s your choice.

Makena: Or agree. But can you let it go, because you have the mom you have? What’s the relationship you want to have with her moving forward? Do you want to spend months or years holding all of this, or forge a new kind of relationship? That’s a bit of what our book is about—how mothers and daughters can be with each other in a different way.

Gigi: Right. Because you’re thirty-seven, and what, we’re thirty years apart?

Makena: Thirty years apart.

Gigi: Thirty years apart. In this time, it’s important. Like I told you, at this point, it’s more about developing a friendship. Of course, I’m your mother. But often daughters will put their mothers into a role—the mother role. You’re a mother, which means you should do this, this, and this. It really holds mothers in place. 

You’re a grown woman, and I’m in a different stage of my life. If you hold me just as your mother, I can’t be wild or sexy or free or live the life I want to live, because I’ve got to stay in the role and act like a mother. I see this all the time, and it’s innocent. People don’t understand they’re doing it. It’s because we think being a mother is a certain kind of energy. 

At a certain point, as you get older, you have to set your mama free, otherwise it limits her. It also starts to limit you and your own understanding of womanhood and what’s possible, because you’ll be in that position someday. The greatest thing in the world is my kids don’t do that.

Makena: If you choose to have children.

Gigi: Yes, if you choose to have children. My kids have been awesome. A couple of times, some of the girls have put me in that position, and even my son, but I’m always working to bust that up.

Makena: You are indeed. I have to agree. She is always stretching the edges of that.

Gigi: I’m always thinking, “What can I do to shock my kids?”

Makena: I’ll share a little anecdote about this. When my husband and I first got together, for the first few years he really struggled with this, because you were his mother-in-law. He had this fixed idea: this is what a mother-in-law is, this is how a mother-in-law behaves. Gigi defies all of that—constantly. He was just like, “Does not compute!” It took many years for him to finally let that go. When he did, it really opened up your relationship.

Gigi
Yes, all my sons-in-law to some degree have tried to do that, but I’m just like, “We’re not going there,” because I do not want the energy of ‘mother.’ I also don’t want the mother-in-law energy. What do we hear about mother-in-laws?

Makena
Usually not positive.

Gigi
Yes, so I’m always trying to shift that. I remember one time I was giving him some coaching, cussing up a storm, and he started laughing. I asked what was wrong. He said, “This is so hard for me. You’re my mother-in-law.” I said, “Do not think of me as your mother-in-law. Think of me as your coach or as your friend, but don’t think of me as a mother-in-law.”

Makena
Mentor, friend, yes. And that’s what’s really happened. You can come in and play different roles for him, like you do for me. You can be the coach, you can be the friend. That’s so much about opening up the relationship. That’s in the case with a son or son-in-law, but it’s the same with mothers and daughters—or mothers and sons—when we pin each other into roles versus letting each other be wild, flawed, sexy, and free, whatever that person wants to be. 

There are some things we want to talk about that go the other way: expectations mothers put on daughters as well.

Gigi: Do you want to share those?

Makena: We were just talking about how mothers want their daughters (or sons) to be a certain way. They have ideas about who their children were when they were young, and think, “Oh, this is how you are,” because they knew this child as a baby or little girl, and that’s how they see them. 

But the daughter grows up, maybe becomes a very different person or evolves. That can be hard for moms to reconcile: “Who is this person?” Or they may have had certain expectations or desires for what they wanted their daughters to be or how they wanted them to turn out. If daughters don’t fit into that, that can be hard as a parent. You probably can speak to this more than me—I’m just sharing from what I’ve observed.

Gigi: Yes, that is so true. I see this with moms a lot. We want the best for our kids and we see their potential. It’s difficult if they don’t go in a direction we feel is right for them. It’s hard to watch them go another way and sometimes struggle, even when as a mother you see things that could be right. Other times, your daughter grows into someone completely different, creating a life you never imagined. Acceptance instead of judgment is so important.

Makena: That really works both ways. Parent-child relationships where either thinks the other should be different—even though it’s coming from a caring place, “I want what’s best,” or “If only they would change, they’d be happier.” That creates resistance in the other person. If someone feels you want them to change, it leads to conflict and resistance. 

But as we teach in our work, if you accept them as they are and let go of trying to get them to be some other way, that builds trust and can open a doorway—over time—to real conversation and to them being able to hear you differently.

Gigi: Yes, very much so. That acceptance is huge. Too often, families get together and agree someone should be different. That’s not healthy. It’s much healthier to be curious about their choices—getting interested and accepting. It opens up opportunities for deeper conversations and new relationships. 

As human beings, especially mothers, I had kids home for forty years because I started so young and had many children—that’s a long time. After that, I became myself more, without children. We have many different lifetimes to live. If you live a long time, you can grow and evolve into so many different versions of yourself, though your essence stays. Allowing the people you love—your mother or daughter—to be curious and connected on their journey as they go through all these changes is so important.

Makena: Absolutely. You touched on something we’ve talked about before: not labeling each other or agreeing with each other in families. If you have siblings and you all agree, “Mom is this way,” or label each other—it’s not a great dynamic. It doesn’t allow that person to really grow and evolve. That’s often where much family conflict starts.

Gigi: That’s why people often don’t want to be with their families: it’s the place people think they know you, so they’re not curious. “Gigi’s like this,” or “Makena’s like this.” When we hold it as judgment, it’s hard, especially with people who know you well and have influence over you.

Makena: Yes. Let’s talk about what mothers and daughters need from each other, at least from our perspective. Every person is different, but what I see daughters really need from their mothers is their listening and presence. In a healthy mother-daughter relationship, it’s important to listen to each other without giving advice—just being present and hearing what you’re going through. 

Love and belief are huge—believing that you can do what you set your mind to, that you’re incredible. Ideally, it would be not only not labeling your daughter or seeing her as she “should” be, but seeing her as she truly is—her best self and reminding her of that when she forgets, because we all do. 

That’s so much due to what you’ve done for me—helping me become the woman I was meant to be, connecting me to who I am, what I dream of, and who I want to be. You’ve given me many pushes along the way. If the relationship is trusting, that gives room for constructive pushes toward what your daughter really wants, especially when she’s scared, but ultimately letting go of control. 

As a mom, you can’t control your children. You can try, especially when they’re younger, by providing guidelines and support, but as they get older, you have to let go. But don’t withdraw your love—give them space, but don’t pull away. That doesn’t feel good. What do mothers need from daughters, Gigi?

Gigi: I think mothers need listening and presence—the ability to share where you are in life and, as you get older, more of a friendship, really being there. Love and belief are important—believing in who we are and what we can do. 

After kids are gone, it’s vulnerable for mothers, and encouragement from children to go for their dreams is huge. My kids are very much like that and it’s empowering.

Makena: That’s a great point. Many kids don’t pause to think: now that you’re grown and out of the home, your mother still has a lot of life ahead, hopefully—not just thinking, “She had her career, she raised us,” or whatever her path was, but asking, “What does she want now?” Can you support and empower her to go for it? That’s a really cool development for the relationship.

Gigi: Yes, having curiosity about who your mother is becoming and being interested instead of telling her what she should do. Acceptance of who she is is important, especially when your mother is older and you’re in a very active stage with kids and career—you project that and think she should be doing certain things. 

Acceptance of where she is, who she is, and acknowledgment of the years and time put into raising you is crucial. Sometimes that gets forgotten during the transition. I was looking at pictures—five children, different decades, all those birthdays and events. So much life has been lived.

Makena: Yes.

Gigi: If I sit here today, none of us even think about that. 

Makena: Ninety birthdays! Just from zero to eighteen with five kids, that’s ninety birthdays.

Gigi: Then you think of the Christmases, the Easters—we never go back and think, “Wow, this is what we’ve done.” Acknowledgment from our children validates us for what we’ve done and where we are. Developing that friendship as you get older and carving out time for your mother is so important.

Makena: Yes. For both mothers and daughters, maybe you imagined you’d have a certain future or way a person would be. Sometimes you have to grieve that and let that go, look at what’s here now—who are you both now, and who are you evolving into? What do you want for your relationship? Pull away the layers to get real and present to who’s in front of you. 

See them as a human, not a role. Ask, “What do we both want for this relationship?” That’s a powerful question. If you could have that conversation with your mother or daughter—even if they’re young, you can ask them—what kind of relationship do we want to have now and moving forward?

Gigi: That’s a great question.

Makena: It’s a great question to consider together. It could open up all kinds of things you haven’t shared or things you desire, and they might align more than you think—or surprise you. So encouragement to open up that dialogue. 

We have some really great exercises in the book. It’s not only about mothers and daughters—it just follows a lot of our relationship. 

There’s a chapter on healing the mother and father wound, and the final chapter is on motherhood with beautiful exercises that don’t necessarily need to involve the other person. If you’re holding a lot with your mother or daughter, that’s something to check out. 

The book is called The Wisdom That Raised Me: A Daughter’s Journey into Wholeness, Wisdom, and Womanhood, and you can find it on Amazon. 

Gigi, we’ve talked about role shifts, but do you have anything to say to moms about healing in front of your children—healing while raising your kids?

Gigi: Just be real. Be human. Don’t try to put on a facade and pretend that everything’s fine or together. Be vulnerable—share what’s going on, say what’s true, let your children feel what’s happening with you. 

I was talking to a friend recently about Christmas. The dynamic changes: Christmases with our children, giving presents, filling stockings, making sure everything is ready. As we get older, our kids have their kids and we’re still doing presents and stockings. 

She said, “I always make sure there are gifts in all the stockings, but I don’t think anyone’s ever put a gift in my stocking.” For mothers, sometimes there’s simply expectation.

Makena: Yes.

Gigi: I think it’s important for moms to be able to share, “I’d like this too,” or “I want to be involved.” Sometimes moms get pigeonholed into being a mother—especially for me, with four daughters. 

If we do things together, I have to be in the mother role and can’t have fun like my kids. That’s not true; my kids don’t do that, but many mothers think they have to act out this mother role. Part of the healing is to be your crazy self, have fun, and not worry about what they think.

Makena: For daughters, it’s interesting to reflect: are there places where your mom has always done something—filled the stockings, cooked Christmas dinner, whatever it is? Have you reevaluated that? Does she still want to do it, or do you want to do it? It’s good to reevaluate as you move into different stages—ask what you both want. That’s an interesting point.

Gigi: The last one is to moms: when you mess up, apologize and repair. Don’t hold grudges—get in there, and if you screw up or say the wrong thing, or direct your children when you shouldn’t, go to them and say you’re sorry and repair it. Don’t let time go by without connection.

Makena: Yes. In terms of raising daughters while healing yourself, and again, we’re mostly talking to grown mothers and daughters because that’s our relationship dynamic, but aspects of this apply when your daughters are young. 

Talk to them about how you’re a mom but also a person, you also have feelings, start those conversations when they’re young, so they don’t just buy into cultural expectations of what a mom is or how she should act. There’s room for different kinds of relationships.

Gigi: Great topic.

Makena: Super fun. We have chapters on all different kinds of topics in the book—career, purpose, passion, relationship, soulmate, marriage, money. Mothers and daughters is a key throughline, as it’s based on stories from our relationship.

Gigi: Yes.

Makena: If you enjoyed this episode, you’ll enjoy the book, too. Thank you to everyone buying copies for friends and leaving reviews. Thank you, thank you. It’s an honor and we’ll see you in the next episode.

Gigi: All right, see you.

Makena: Bye-bye.